Graduation Speech

I know that this is a graduation season and there are a lot of people are quite happy about it. Most of Indians I know are excited as this is one of the few times you get to take a picture with white people in the background, which means “You’ve made it” back at home.

So I wanted to write a graduation speech. I am not sure if I envision myself to be famous enough to commemorate a graduation ceremony. As it is, I feel I have achieved more than any man with my looks and intellect possibly could. So here goes nothing…

The Speech

Hello batch of 20xx. Congratulations on your graduation (Unless you did an MBA from IIPM. Then you’re fucked. Proper fucked).

*Side note: Begins speech by thanking people who are important but you couldn’t possibly care about.

I’m sure most of you can’t wait to get out of this stadium to be with your loved ones and celebrate your success. I promise I won’t beat the cliched horse to death. I request twenty minutes of your time. And I have made sure that there is enough security at the gates, so you really don’t have much choice.

I don’t have anything inspirational about me unlike many of you. I got pretty much whatever I wanted and couldn’t complain about how my life was going. I was and am ordinary. And now I want to address those students who are ordinary. Just like me.

So to all the ordinary lads and lasses out there, you might feel that since you’re ordinary these clichéd speeches don’t work for you. You don’t see yourself changing the world or realizing your dream which in many cases might cease to exist. I am going to attempt to prove it wrong. My speech is about 5 big things that you are going to face after you have graduated.

Career: It is comparatively easy to get a job. But it takes a lot of grit and passion to get to your dream job. It is easy to feel overwhelmed when in you are in the commencement ceremony and when the speaker adorns your ego with words like #Dreams #Success #Changing the world. You know what? It is a sham.

You are more than likely to find a decent job which will pay your bills. You will soon realize that your work requires none of the skills you learned at school but will realize that “job satisfaction” is a hoax. You will work hard to impress your boss and then grow tired of it.

You shall slowly realize that people who don’t work as hard as you are getting ahead of you and you are running into a dead wall. You will doubt your worth often and feel like slamming your coffee against the coffee machine after the road rage you went through en route to work. And if you pick up a self-help book by Deepak Chopra, you know you’re going downhill. I have one advice for you

Mastery : Let me tell you how the world works. You are what you can do. As long as you can get the job done you will survive. Nothing else matters. Nobody but nobody (except maybe your mother) gives a flying fuck about what you are as a person. People have needs and as long as you fulfill them you can coast along. Look at any job description, you are not there to exchange pleasantries, build relationships or if you’re black contribute to diversity. You are hired to fulfill the needs of the company and as long as you do meet it. You will survive. And if you get good at it, you will still have other companies who would want to hire you. Not because they like you. But because they NEED you.

Tyler Durden was wrong. You ARE your job. You ARE the contents of your wallet. Society determines you by what you do and not who you are. Imagine you are at any social event. Some person comes up to you to have a chat. The rest of the conversation depends on what you do for a living. This is the microcosm of the society we live in.

Dreams:

We are encouraged to dream when we are kids but we are constantly brought up in way that we don’t realize it. When you dream you don’t really have boundaries. But when you feel mortal and look around you, there is only so much you can achieve. I am risking my reputation here, but you know what? It is OKAY to give up on your dreams.

For one simple reason, we evolve. Just like our dreams. It is not the end of the tunnel if you can’t achieve your goal. But you are not a failure. Yes, days will be longer and nights will be shorter. It is OKAY to give up and it is better for the economy too. 10% of American debt is on student loans. Creativity is an unforgiving business because of the latent uncertainties. But trust me, no one wipes their tears when they collect their paycheck which feeds their needs and vices alike.

Relationships:

In one of the episodes of my all-time favorite shows “Californication”. The character “Lew Ashby ” remarks to Hank moody that “In the end it is all about her”. Finding someone to share your life is one activity that will define the rest of your personal life. The definition of love should subjective lest should you fail and embarrass yourself chasing the dream girl/guy as promised by some sitcom/movie. Those being said, never marry someone without whom you cannot be happy. It will end in an abusive relationship. For you.

I will now cater the next few lines to my male friends who are still single. A lot of you have gone through your entire college life without sharing your feelings to your girl. You guys make the dreadful mistake that the only way to win a girl over is by impressing her with your good demeanor. You assume that there are two steps to the process

Step 1: Become her friend. Earn her trust be nice and kind to her and always be on your best behavior. And hope that one day she realizes that you are the guy for her.

There is no step 2, you think it would mean getting the girl. But you may not. You know why? Because SURPRISE you’ve been friend zoned. And you will only realize it when she walks away with a douchebag or at least who you think is a douchebag. And you will ask yourself, I held her so high in my regard. I put her priorities over me, even then, why doesn’t she like me? Think about it logically, if you put someone on a pedestal the only way they can look at you is downwards.

Whenever you see a pretty girl with another guy you will immediately arrive to a conclusion where you put the guy on a pedestal compared to you. He got her because he has a fancy job. He won her over because he is good looking etc…

Such excuses make you miserable. Being miserable is easy. Happiness takes *effort

Never doubt yourself ever. At the same time don’t go overboard to be good. Not being a pretentious prick doesn’t mean you’re eligible for the women of your dreams. Or in other words being a nice guy doesn’t qualify you for the love of your life. Women want men, not boys with emotions. Women want men who would change the world. The world wants men who will change it. I am sorry to disappoint any feminists in the audience.

Failure: It is very likely you will face failure in your life with unpredictable frequency. Some of you will be divorced, fired from your job and undergo other things that doesn’t bode well with the spirit of this occasion. And when you are defeated the whole world would scare you. You might want to curl into a fetal position and stare at the wall.

I think our greatest fear about the universe is not that it is dangerous but  that it is indifferent. Remember, However dark the abyss, we must individually stoke our own fire.

So what should you do when you fail? This is the biggest lesson that education teaches you.

Confidence and Grit

Dear men and women, we have seen civilizations built upon education, hard work and determination. If you read about it a career seems far less daunting. You have gained many valuable tools for survival in this great institution and I hope you use it to your behest.

I can promise you that these skills and tools won’t ensure you a safe journey and you shall not emerge unscathed. But at the end you will look back and relish at this awesome realm of time we call existence.

Cheers!

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http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person/

Virtue of Selfishness

For those who can identify the title, it is derived from Ayn Rand’s pocket sized book. I admit that I had an Ayn Rand fan boy phase during my definitive years. After I read fountainhead, I realized that if I continued to foster my character based on her caricatures I would either become a full blown asshole or worse a Wall Street banker.

P.S: A note to the readers who don’t know me, I am not a Wall Street banker.

I was consistently impressed by her sheer genius of objectivizing everything. Every emotion had an objective reasoning behind it and the faster you identify it the easier life becomes for you. They say that the key to solving most of the problems is realizing that there is one.

Most of my blogs have a structure where I draw out examples from my school days. It wasn’t a fancy one where they would teach you music appreciation, arts or high level programming. However it was incredibly competitive. Students made conscious decisions about who they chose to hang out with. The nerdy ones were in a group as they thought they could gain from group study sessions.

The socially gifted hanged out together as being in the center of a circle of friends assuaged their egos. And even the lonelier and weird ones hung out together to protest the conformity. And I identified with each group in one way or other. But because I didn’t find them mutually exclusive, I was a misfit.

Our society wants us to become considerate individuals but reality paints a disappointing picture. We are taught that at a very young age that everything out there is all about competition and winning. From getting a good degree, to a job to even a spouse it is all about how to get the best for you. And In USA they take it to another extreme where they don’t embrace failure. Everyone gets a medal for running a race, which I think is the other extreme. Learning that it is okay to fail at something is one lesson which I wish I had learned at a young age.

I hail from a common middle class family, I would be considered successful if I was rich rather than happy. I personally don’t have a very high regard for wealth. I am a trifle uncomfortable when one’s achievement is solely measured by their bank balance. Don’t get me wrong I am not a hippy and I do have hedonistic aspirations to gain material wealth. But at the same time I realize that, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy my success if I wasn’t happy.

So I practiced being indifferent. There was so much misery around me that I knew if I kept attaching myself to the things around me, I would be part of the malarkey. Here is where logic came to rescue, I stopped empathizing and looked at problems with an outlook to solve them. I have a huge tiff with the word “Feel”. I really found it to be redundant, if I look at a kid who has a scraped knee; I would rather give him first aid than feel sorry for him. So this attitude helped me tremendously as it helped me coast through irritable company.

We are taught to be competitive and that one shouldn’t trust others easily. Is it because a lot of us are victims of trust abuse? Or is pathological distrust considered as a sign of maturity?

Indifference taught me how to cope with loneliness. I would not empathize with myself or become depressed when I was lonely. I looked at it as a problem which I could solve. To give a very personal example a year ago I spent what I would recall as a very depressing birthday.

I was inches away from being fired at my GRA due to a misunderstanding, I was unemployed and going through a terrible break up. I was feeling pathetic; I decided to get some Chinese food along the way. On my way I saw a homeless guy. I didn’t have a lot of money, but I did want to do something. So I gave away my dinner to him. He didn’t thank or smile at me. He took it and dived in.

When I came back home I felt a lot better about myself. The takeaway is that I didn’t help the guy because he was hungry. I helped him in an attempt to see if it would make me feel any better and it did. This had a profound impact on me. There is nothing wrong in having a motive behind anything and everything you do. As long as you don’t achieve what you want, you will always be unhappy. Think of selfishness as an insurance policy to protect your dreams.

Unconditional love is the biggest lie that we have out there. As literally unconditional is a condition by itself. So when you have such an objective outlook towards life, it is very efficient but life certainly loses color and spontaneity. I can’t recall the last time I felt outraged or tremendously happy. Life has been a succession of platitudes.

During the past year or so I have been at the receiving end of unbelievable generosity. I’ve been continuously invited to so many dinners, friendly get together where people who I have barely met treat me as a part of family. Friends have shared their deepest insecurities with me to get closure. People who I’ve left behind, string comfort laden words to inquire about my well-being.

Even for a guy as cynical as me, it tugs my heartstrings to be subject of such love and respect.

I ceased to be emotionally bonded with people as I find emotions and relationships as double edged swords. When I was in love things were tremendously strenuous. There were rapid troughs and heights in emotions which defied reasoning.  I think it’s this emotional instability which gave birth to the cliched phrase “I don’t want anything serious right now”. The fear of being hurt has reached endemic proportions.

I don’t see people my age fall in love as easily as they used to just a few years ago. We have this small mental checklist which we try to map to people who we feel we like. If it matches move ahead if not maybe they are not the right one’s for you. Since when did love become a grocery list of requirements? Yes, we are collectively much more successful than we ever thought before. But if it comes at the cost of neutralizing one’s ability to love fearlessly is it really worth it?

I am in a limbo of whether to let go of my selfishness which has been a great servant to me to tread into such melancholic depth.The question is, is selfishness a virtue worth protecting?

Am I socially stupid?

Facebook tells me that I now have 890 friends. That is a lot! So as a social experiment, I am trying to see if that count is reduced after people read the following blog. And thanks to the new Graph Search, my social experience on web is going to suck even more. So in order to protest I have written the following piece.

During the past one month, I have been able to spend more time over things that I liked to do. And one such activity is culture spotting. Culture spotting is the activity where an individual with a preposterous ego monitors people around him/her for their amusement.

Exhibit A: Me.

But if you observe in real life, many people are obnoxious to tolerate. Most of them are miserable with their career, education, debt, marriage, pollution and what not. Hence I felt it is inexcusable to make fun of them as it is not a level playing ground to anyone.

But with the advent of social media, we can allow ourselves to put our pretty foot forwards and appear more approachable and amicable out on the web. Also it is an excellent tool to establish our intellectual authority.

So in this case I observed some of the most stupid things that people do on Social media, in this case Facebook and I am attempting to note them below for our mutual amusement.

1. Photography: I don’t understand why most IIM’s (Indian IT Male’s) are suddenly into photography majority of my friends own a DSLR and they take really shitty pictures. Having a DSLR and taking trashy pictures is like owning an orchestra and playing Niki Minaj.

Here are a few tips that might enhance the probability of your social acceptance:

• Never name your album “Random piczzz/clicks” or “My Experimentation with Photography”. – You just purchased an electronic device worth 500$ or more. There is nothing random or experimental about it.
• There is nothing extraordinary about a high definition picture of a flower, with a bee buzzing around. I am old school as I think Photography is more about Context than Clarity.
• Never upload pictures of kids without their parents’ permission. Internet is rife with child abuse, you don’t want to enable that. Trust me.
• If you take a mirror shot of yourself with a DSLR camera, do realize that you share your I.Q with a door knob.
• Use your discretion while uploading albums. Don’t upload the same picture with different filters. It is intellectually offensive.
• If you are a shitty photographer and still have the temerity to add a watermark signature on your picture. Just realize that you are making your imbecility official.

Birthdays: This is a phenomenon mostly observed in girls or women. They usually hyperventilate over their birthdays with statuses like “OMG, I am so excited for my birthday”, “Just 3 weeks before my birthday”, “I am going to go to a dance club for my birthday”. So ladies, a couple of facts for you:

1. 1. Earth revolves around Sun, so you are bound to have at least one birthday. Every year.
   2. Birthdays are no achievement unless you’re ailing from a life threatening disease. I am 25 and the only thing I had to do; to achieve this was to make sure I look on both sides of the road before crossing.

I personally believe Birthdays are private events and a time to celebrate and remember the good times with your friends while reeling from the kicks to your scrotum in the name of birthday bumps.

Language overload: Lingual affluence is a strong indicator of one’s intelligence. Most Indians  speak, write or read more than 3 languages. But I don’t understand how people add Hinglish (Hindi + English) or Tanglish (Tamil + English) in the “Languages they speak” section. It sounds more like a Jewish dessert than a language

Vacation: If you don’t know already, these German scientists have made this official. Uploading your holiday pictures makes your friends jealous. On Facebook, depression will be mocked and happiness shall be envied upon. Tells a great deal about our society doesn’t it? Don’t embrace the ugly truth but at least resist to avoid it

Chat log: Again, it is mostly girls who commit this social blunder. Some of them share their chat logs as pictures with their friends to often show people around them that they are hilarious. Repeat after me, you shall never share your chat logs and you are the only person who thinks you’re funny.

Acknowledging Insecurity: At the risk of sounding sexist, this gaffe is once again committed primarily by women who are insecure about their looks.  This can be understood by observing how people react to compliments. Say there is a girl x, who has a pretty picture. Now naturally it would get attention and people would complement and comment her on the picture. They generally fall into 3 types:

• 1. Various versions of “You look hot babe :* ”- Primarily women, mostly overweight.
  2. The more neutral and subdued comment: “Great picture”
  3. Indirect compliments with deplorable humor such as : “Awsm pictrr, credits to photographer Lolxx”

And the girl now can react in following ways which may or may not exhibit her desperation

1. Reply by saying a polite thank you: Desperation level =0
2. Like everyone’s compliment: Desperation level =1
3. Thank everyone Individually for their compliment: Desperation level = infinity

After reading the above points you might wonder, what makes you the judge? Do you think you’re smarter than me? Am I proud of what I just wrote?Allow me to answer in the negative. I am not smart nor am I an intellectual. I am just another cynical tool with a connection to the internet who is allergic to dolts.

A Cultural Quick Fix to RAPE

Of course most people reading this need no introduction about the incident which happened in Delhi, where a woman was so brutally raped that she now needs an intestinal replacement surgery. This incident has given diet pepsi wielding, Rang De Basanti patronizing self-confessed vigilantes who think they have a solution to this heinous act.

Following is a ten step program which girls can use to avoid rape.

1. Do not travel late into the night, traveling places which are poorly lit is a strict no-no.

2. Women should not drink or smoke as either of the acts exhibits promiscuity.

3. Women should not dress provocatively and must adhere to cultural garbs to discourage unsolicited attention from men. Must take fashion cues from Jayalalitha and Mamta Bannerjee.

4. The ideal age to marry for a girl is 21. It may be increased to 23 if she is pursues MBA, because the father has to recoup his losses. If she is married and has kids, then maybe she might not be prone to privy eyes.

5. Girls should not frequent bars or disco theques as they are filled with vile men under the influence of alcohol. It would be akin to dancing with the devil if you chose to party. And immoral, remember god is watching you

6. Sex education must be implemented in schools. Of course by that we would teach them 99% about cross pollination and asexual reproduction and 1% about human anatomy. Also we should insist that casual sex is hazardous and masturbation would lead to global warming.

7. Men and women are equal; however we should treat women like  Sisters or Mothers. It is not patronage but a tribute to our maternal society. And since a girl should be married by 21, it doesn’t give any man a chance to think about women under any other context.

8. We have forgotten our tradition; most women in the name of empowerment go out to work where they are under severe gender bias. On top of it they have to work at home to being a wife to a husband, a mother to the children and a dutiful daughter-in-law to the husband’s parents. A woman’s prime responsibility is to champion the household than struggle for independence by working.

9. Women should always travel in company of men, ideally their brothers or husbands. Because even if you befriend any other male you can never be sure about their intentions, hence it is always better to be safe than sorry.

10. Some of the younger generation might feel rebellious after listening to their elders. But they have to understand as Kareena kapoors grand father from Jab We Met said “Ek akeli ladki, khuli hi hui tijori ki tareh hoti hai” which translates as “A single girl, is akin to an open safe”.

Because a girls only treasure is her character (Read virginity), once she loses that she brings shame not only to her but also to the family and the community. Hence the girl should be responsible about her behavior as it affects a lot of people.

How to fix rape?

1. Death to the rapists, hang them by their balls over light posts in public.
2. Marry off the girl to the guy who raped her, because no one else will accept her afterwards
3. The home minister should retire, politicians should be fired. Fire all the policemen, they can’t protect the public
4. Create a Facebook page which talks about punishing rape by death sentence
5. Write a song about how women are mistreated in this chauvinistic male society; since AR Rahman is busy we will let Pritam compose the music. It should be catchy so he should be allowed to be inspired by Korean pop bands.
6. Women should no longer be objectified in movies; they should be no longer depicted as saucy vixens dressed in skimpy clothes. There shall be no more beach scenes and all movies should be shot at the mines of Karnataka where even partial nudity cannot be justified.

I am a huge fan of satire and I love exaggeration, however none of the above points are fiction. I have merely regurgitated the opinions voiced by many on endless TV shows and column inches on newspaper.

Now that Sachin Tendulkar has retired many columnists are going to vomit verbs from their dictionary and the focus will shift from Delhi to Sachin’s legacy. We are a bunch of indifferent and pathologically passive pedestrians with a very short attention span. And that should scare us more than anything!

The Dots Do Connect…

I came to USA to get a masters degree in Computer Information Systems from GSU. And my My visa interview at Mumbai went like this:

Interviewer: So why do you want to get a master’s degree?

ME:

When it comes to job hunt people often demonize it by saying that its wild life out there and you can trust no one. In my own naive way, I have always believed that there is good in everyone of us.

Ok, I was just kidding. But in all sincerity I believe that there is no such thing as a rat race and we all can be successful at the same time. The following post is about the travails I went through during my days of job hunt.

One of the earliest things I realized about education and job search is that it is a very interactive procedure. Especially as an MIS/CIS student who swears by the pledge “I don’t want to do coding because I am tired of it”. The excuse naively obfuscates the reality which is an inherent inability to code rather than reluctance.

I never shy away from coding as it remains the Holy Grail that I think I try too hard to achieve. It is not my core competency to be a programmer and I have come to accept that. During my first semester at GSU, I joined a networking fraternity. I was blown away by the social complexity that was out there. There were so many equally bright students vying for the same job. And the ferocity of their intention was very visible.

The fraternity opened doors to recruiters who would showcase their company and talk about their working culture and at the same time identify candidates who fit the bill and begin to track them. By the time I realized this, my first semester came to an end and I was in no way closer to my job hunt.

Tips: 1) Networking is not sucking up, it is a chance for the employers to know you better. Put your best step forward

2) Reach out to the recruiters via linkedin and add them after thanking them for their time. Being pro active is everything when it comes to a job hunt.

I understand that a job hunt is a laborious procedure and it is O.K. to be discreet about it. Some are superstitious that if they reveal they have an interview, they will fail it. The other reason is you don’t want to be a douche who yaps about interviews where your friends struggle.

The only upbeat thing about spring semester was that I was selected to become a VISA leader for fall 2012. I really undervalued the opportunity at that time as an internship was the bigger challenge.

But looking back the desperation was the negative factor. It sapped out all energy I had in me and it was difficult to digest that your friends already have a job and you are still unable to even land an interview. I realized that I was capable of jealousy too, but I didn’t want it to affect me. So in order to escape from masochism, I was reluctant to go to parties and get together. I would disable all notifications on Facebook in order to prevent me from going into a shell.

But I never gave up; I worked for about a month for a small start-up pro-bono learning open source technology. They didn’t offer me any compensation and also broke communication for some reason as the company went under. I approached professors for pro bono work and got one to build a system using share point but that work won’t begin until November and I remained to be restless.

I attended host of networking events, curbed my spending habits to stay afloat. I played soccer every weekend and in times of tumult that was my only solace. I took two classes in summer, one during May mester which lasted for a month and other during June-July. I have always been a pragmatic kid and was never under financial duress, ever. But the spending habits of your friends do rub on when you realize that you can’t afford to join them. It is humiliating but I found humor in it which helped me preserve my sanity.

Then came august and I was becoming more confident. I had 3 interview calls, two of them went well and VISA leader program was just about to start. It was one of the most fantastic experiences I have ever had. From being a willing social outcast to be recognized on the streets, it was an uplifting experience. I am very grateful to that special group of friends I made who made me feel this way.

I became chums with some great people all over the world; I went out to parties with them. Played soccer, got back into shape (From round to not-so-round). And call it comeuppance for the efforts; I got an internship by 3^rd week of August!

I had already taken up two GRA’s and 3 classes and an internship on top of it was insane. Many of my friends advised me to drop one of them so that I don’t go bonkers. Meanwhile the career fair was approaching and I had to ready myself for another grueling session.

My grades in one of the subject did take a hit as I got a humiliating B+ in one of the tests. But it was bound to happen. Remember I said I got interview offers from 2 companies, I got a job offer from one of them by the time I was interviewing with the other J So I was confident/cocky about it.

The second company was the one I was targeting all year around. And guess what happens on the D-Day?

I show up 20 minutes late to the 30 minute interview due to some mix up. I have a good chat with my interviewer who seemed to be impressed by my candor and lack of nerves. I was mentally shitting bricks, but I didn’t let that surface.

I followed up that brief interview with a 30 minute phone conversation and voila, I struck gold twice. I got the call for the final round.

THE DOTS…

I have immense respect for Steve Jobs as a person than an entrepreneur. And those who know me how much I abhor Apple products. But in his great speech, he mentioned about how a person should follow their calling instead of chickening out. But the trick is to find your calling. Following were my career choices

Ice cream vendor, Railway pilot, Astronaut- Kindergarten to Mid school

Scientist, Photographer for Playboy magazine and physiotherapist for Brazil’s women’s beach volleyball team – High school

Journalist, Sound Engineer- Undergraduate

Technical Consultant, Business Analyst, Analyst, Documentation specialist, Window cleaner, Pet walker, Free mason, will-work-for-beer-money: In various times of desperation from January- July 2012

About the dots:

I started this blog to while away my time when I was working in Saudi Arabia to get attention and express myself. And I wanted to prove a point to myself that people apart from my mom also think that I am funny.

I got my internship after they saw my experience with word press. I got a full time offer from the consultants as they believed I could communicate my ideas with conviction to the clients and be solid academically as they learned about my VISA leader experience.

My interview with the partner entailed me describing how much I love Football (Soccer) and why it is important to root for one team. I gave her a passionate 5 minute speech of how much I yearn to see Arsenal play at the Emirates.

My idea of happy hours during school and under graduate was to be able to spend time at the library when other kids won’t be around. All those hours in the afternoon spent among dusty bookshelves and under a fan (60 rpm/second) didn’t go to waste. These are the things that I loved doing without any expectations or burden.

Trust me, the dots do connect. Believe in yourself and March ahead comrades! Good luck for your job hunt.

Thought Crime

I owe the readers of this blog a narcissistic apology for not writing more frequently. But I intend to repair it; I promise I will be more frequent. The past couple of months have been electric. I yearned for a super-fast/hectic lifestyle when I was applying for my master’s degree. And I am happy that I have it J

I wanted to be surrounded by assignment schedules, late night discussion over project and seriously missed the tension caused by never ending exams. For those who are making fun about this, wait till you start working!

The atmosphere here in United States is very topical to say the least at least with respect to the election. Both parties are leaving no stone unturned to make sure they get their hands on the next term. I believe the United States government has behaved irresponsibly in the past however it is the only country which is capable of repairing the global crisis both economically and politically.

My friends and my family tease me for taking interest in US politics as they quizzically ponder whether I become another “Wannabe Immigrant”? My answer is No. Not yet.

The reason I wasn’t very interested in Indian politics was because of its stymied nature. When I walked past roadside tea/coffee shops there used to be a sign which read “Discussing politics is not allowed”. Even in social situations when people began discussing politics there used to be an elder in the crowd who would say “Now, let us not spoil this wonderful evening by discussing politics”.

I empathize with everyone who has a disparaging view about politics but I feel it is morally and intellectually irresponsible for an educated adult to ignore politics. Media proliferation is a huge factor as I am amazed by the brazen nature with which each political issue is being dissected.  Every politician up there is at the mercy of the viewers which makes the competition fun to watch.

I find it funny that people are so uptight that they hold “values” more than people. These ideas or borrowed morals are so revered that they voluntarily override the basic humanity which I like to believe we are born with. Take an example

Right to Second Amendment: The right to second amendment states that every American has a “right” to carry a weapon to defend them. My humble question is if United States has the largest army in the world (More than 16 countries combined) why can’t it protect its citizens? Why do fellow Americans pay tax money which goes to defense but still have to acquire firearms to defend them? Is the amendment more precious than someone’s life?

Global Warming/Climate Change/Climate Hoax: It amuses me that US is one of the very few countries which still has this debate going. I understand that in democracy you must agree to disagree. But how far is far enough? What’s the next great debate going to be about, Gravity a hoax?

Homosexuality/Atheism: I had a very naïve impression of what homosexuals suffer as they were always a subject of ridicule in India. They are at best, a last resort to an expletive in my country. People still cannot fathom why they should be given equal rights. And I think media has a huge role to play in it. For example how do you make a bald-well built-tattooed all over the body-psycho maniac even scarier? The answer: Make him gay.

And the people who defend homophobia say that they don’t feel right about it and that’s why they don’t approve of it. Pardon my French but when your feeling impedes another individual’s way of life, you have progressed from being a douche to a c*nt.

The same goes for people who cannot identify with a religion or a god. As far as I know no atheist/agnostic takes offense to the fact that the other person is a Hindu/Christian/Muslim/Jew or whatever. In that case why should religious people take offense to the ones who cannot or won’t identify with one?

How come when it comes to healthcare, politicians scream personal rights but when it comes to their belief, sexuality or abortion it’s a government policy?

Values: There is something very interesting article which was a part of our course work. (
http://userhome.brooklyn.cuny.edu/irudowsky/PM/articles/TheExperienceTrap.pdf
)

It talks about how managers assume that their cumulative experience makes them the best judge of the situation, even though the circumstances have changed.  And how it has been identified as the chief reason why experienced people fail at IT projects.

I don’t know enough to comment about the values that the founding fathers in US preached. But I certainly do when it comes to my country.

As a kid we are taught that the greatest contributions by India to the world are our values. From family bonds to social architecture and that we have been at the pinnacle of civilization at every turn of the century. And we take that fact for granted and somehow it’s misrepresented across generations. Should these values be shielded from reasoning?

I think most of us happen to believe that these traditions or values somehow have a life and would wobble and cry if we scrutinized them. Or somehow our forefathers would take offense to our curious nature and fart upon us during our nuptials.

Look at any social justification for rape, dowry, caste discrimination, genocide, war or nepotism the underlying reason is “It is our tradition and it has worked for us so far, so don’t question it”. People would go great lengths to defend thoughts which aren’t theirs to begin with.

The real reason I am proud of being an Indian are not the values but the effort of thought that went into them. Indus valley civilization, contribution to mathematics, medicine and literature, Gall of individuals who went against the grain like Gandhi, Bose, Ambedkar, Vivekananda, Ramanujam, Chanakya, Valluvar, Rk Laxman, Verghise Kurein etc… They empowered several others to think, question and act.

We don’t have to achieve greatness, but the least we can do is commit our reasoning to the values that are forced upon us.

I could very well end this post with an inspiring quote which would amend my exhibitive pretentiousness which was omnipresent. But these are my thoughts and I don’t require an oracle’s wisdom to approve it.

Go ahead, commit a thought crime.

Encounters of an awkward kind.

The title is dedicated to one of my favorite science fiction films of all time, Encounters of the third kind. But the similarity ends there. Awkwardness is a very interesting feeling that meanders between guilt and an inability to proceed or initiate a conversation. I was watching Daniel Tosh’s stand up “Happy thoughts” on YouTube the other day. The guy comes off as a social prick, provocateur and a misogynist. Albeit he has a great sense of timing on dark humor so I suggest it to anyone who is ready for a good laugh.

When I read about him on Wikipedia, I noticed that it was mentioned that he suffers from social anxiety; i.e. The subject feels distressed when in put in a crowd. After coming to United States and watching a lot of House M.D , I think people are over medicated. For example certain medical conditions should be rightly mocked as they sound ludicrous. I won’t go over them but would happily share my favorite comedian “Ricky Gervais’s” take on them over here.

Coming back to the topic, I have a habit of often running into awkward situations whose seriousness is in no way ameliorated (Just wanted to use that word in a sentence) by my general apathetic nature. But I decided to document personal category of awkward moments in no particular order, so that in future if I bump into you and seem very nice take a subtle hint that I am feeling super awkward.

I am documenting some of the awkward moments that I have been facing for a while. Here goes-

Loo:

This is a general pet peeve for most guys. Unlike women who view going to restroom activity as a social activity, men loathe to talk in the restroom. You see, especially in a urinal the protocol is really easy and religiously followed without anyone passing on the knowledge. Following is a generic flowchart

1. Start
2. Find a stall which is at least three stalls away from the nearest guy. (I personally prefer prime numbers. No particular reason)
3. Fix up a spot to stare at the ceiling
4. Finish the job
5. Do a small jump
6. Zip
7. Proceed to wash hands and look philosophically into the mirror and wonder what the fuck are you doing with your life
8. Exit

But the awkwardness kicks in when anyone says anything more than “What’s up?” I personally find that phrase to be a poor choice of words.

Because I ‘am Jesus:

I am usually not a great person to share your woes with. Don’t get me wrong, it is because I almost always instinctively think of a solution. I understand that sometimes all you need to say is that everything is going to be okay, even if you are not sure. But I feel disingenuous if I do it. The way I see it complains can be classified into two categories

1. Problem: Problems are usually impediments to one’s way of life. They always have a solution. Eg: If you have a problem with your roommate, you talk it out.
2. Predicament: Predicaments are situations where one can do nothing but wait for it to end. Eg: If anyone asks me to go through their wedding album. There is nothing that I can do except pretend that I am amused.

Far worse are the situations where the victim says something like “He screwed me so bad, I could have easily taken revenge. But I didn’t, because I am not that kind of person.

I find it amusing that even as adults we need a sense of moral assurance.

Flirting:

I have a peculiar problem when it comes to talking up to girls. Most guys I know have a trouble talking to extremely attractive women as there is a necessity to impress intellectually or otherwise during the encounter. But in my case as I am a pragmatist, I easily give up on those who are way ahead of my league.

I think I have this aura around me. As soon as I express any kind of interest in a woman, I kindle their inner carnal need to have a brother around them. You guys have Halloween? I have Rakshabandhan.

I could easily hold a steady conversation with them even befriend such girls without ever making a move. But what about the ones, who I think, could have a shot at? I go all Manmohan singh afraid that I would screw up.

Oh btw if a girl says you can’t dirty talk. Stop at that, It is safe to trust her judgement. I learned it the hard way.

Compliments:

I am never good at giving compliments. Even if I want to, my compliments are always subdued. For those who are good at complimenting, how would you handle the following scenario?

You are at a wedding and you notice that the girls are chatting up to the bride and saying things like your soon-to-be Husband is Very Handsome/ Smart/ Dashing /Funny. The bride feels cheerful. As a guy how am I supposed to compliment my friend’s wife? Apart from the compound yet clichéd “You two look great together”

Who do you pray to?

I always get two left feet when I face that question. It is because the outcome would either lead to them proselyting or sharing my opinion about organized religion? But I only have a beef with people who try to enforce their beliefs on me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that they are stupid. I just find it difficult to credit them with reasoning in past, present or future.

Enforced Friendship!

This literally takes the cake. And it is caused by women. Use your judgment to decide when should you reveal your social status to a guy. Never introduce your boyfriend to your guy friends who are your male friends who are single. It never works. They boyfriend has to befriend the guy to act cool and vice versa. And both parties try really hard to be nice to each other even if they share fuck all in common.

Psychologically cumulative awkwardness may lead you to not taking yourself seriously and might have serious social repercussions, like leading you to write a blog about it.