Twenty Five

If you have grown up on Indian movies as I have you would realize that there are two numbers which are very important: 18 and 25. You see the underlying theme of any  Indian Super hero movie is almost the same. Note that I said Super heroes and not superheroes. Super heroes are mega stars like Rajnikanth, Amitabh Bachhan, Mammooty, Mithun Chakrobarty ,Venkatesh scattered across the movie industry in India. They are super heroes who make directors like James Cameroon, Wachowsky Brothers and Ridley Scott simultaneously shit in their pants with their outrageous stunts and closer to god like Fandom.

The plot would be something like when the actors (Who are close to their expiry age) come of age, learn that they or their loved ones were wronged in the past(either 18 or 25 years ago).They seek revenge or redemption thereby changing the society for good. It is never 17 or 26, it always shuffles between 18 or 25.

So I turned 25 last week and I thought of writing something about that. Before I began writing I was amused how almost every blogger wrote about themselves, their trials and tribulations with the banality of their daily life. But I have strictly staved off that path which I think makes my blog an aberration if not an exception. Thank you to everyone out there for reading!

I am at an age which often marks the onset of a quarter life crisis, some kind of identity mismanagement and a marked sense of paranoia for the future. Thankfully by Rajnikanth’s grace I haven’t faced any of them yet. But I do want to share of what I thought I would be, where I am and how I would want to be.

Basically this is just an exaggerated account of “About Me” that you would find on most social networks only with better grammar. There are a lot of differences between how I was at 18 and now at 25, physically I haven’t seemed to change much. I think I would have given Justin Beiber a good run on who hits puberty later. Without further ado following are a few of the repercussions I have felt being in the middle of my twenties

1. I secretly worshiped Pamela Anderson for her massive, erm you know view on Macro Economics in the developing world. During an insightful interview she said all a guy needs to impress her is to have a decent sense of humor and a fit body. I have since sharpened my wit and physique and I have to tell you it got me from being single to BEING SINGLE. You lied Pamela, You lied to fans like me. How could you?
2. I am gathering more acquaintances and in due process I am losing touch with friends who matter more.
3. It is only after I came to USA that I realized that “How are you doing?” is a rhetorical question.
4. I am barely able to sustain chats beyond, “Hey, how have you been? I have been good. What are you upto”. It almost immediately results in the much dreaded “Then, what else…” Those three dots after else signifies a sense of vapidity that I have succeeded to avoid for so long.
5. I have learned to be quieter and realized that not every question merits an answer.
6. I now know that my body rejects Mexican food as much as it rejects cheese and consumption of either of them would make me fart in a sur that even Anu Malik wouldn’t disagree.
7. I have an uncanny ability to piss people off majorly even without uttering a single word. I assure you it is not an unhealthy narcissism but unempathetic indifference I have towards life itself.
8. I am absolutely clueless of what I am supposed to achieve. I definitely know for a fact that there is more to life than just work-home-play. Though I don’t know what it is, I can’t give up on it. And the fact that most people who are beyond this crossroad have given up on the “search” aspect scares me. How can you be so sure of something which you put no effort to pursue in the first place?
9. I can no longer respect people just because they are older than me and the corollary is also true, I cannot demand respect from anyone without earning it. I weigh respect more than love, you can fall in love at first sight. But can you respect them almost immediately? I feel we confuse between subservience and respect, I think I have figured out the difference.
10. Lastly take on relationships have drastically changed. Expectations have become multidimensional and the reluctance to compromise has only gotten stronger. I recollect a hauntingly true line from one of my favorite movie of all time “Before Sunrise”-

 “Isn’t everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?”- Julie Delpy.

Satyamev Jayate?- An Insight

It’s been a while since I wrote something new; I want to accuse my cruel Graduate studies for that. It sucked the life out of me and kept me running from pillar to post.  I had to dress up formally almost every day to college, suit up occasionally yada yada. I was very sincere with the whole thing you know? I would even iron my shirt and trousers, spray deodorant over my socks the previous night. Gosh! My mother would be proud of my preparedness.

Anyway a new television phenomenon seems to have hit our Indian Telly. I have respected Aamir for his gutso, dedication and sincerity to art with a faint disregard for commercialization. Dhobi Ghat, Taare Zameen Par and Lagaan were testaments to his caliber. And it is refreshing to see him take on Indian television with the same attitude.

I believe gender bias is the reason for whole female feticide episode. It has many causal effects, reduced sex ratio as shown is just tip of the iceberg. As the gender gap widens, it creates logistical problem for men. It is like studying mechanical engineering in Anna University for the rest of your life, no girls for you.

I think the issue is by large a projection of our society, our values and our culture. I want to tie this issue to my generation which grew up in the late 80’s and early 90’s.I feel the change agents are my generation; hence I feel it is our moral responsibility in some way to uplift the image of our society.

I in some way was brought up in a gifted society. My parents were very educated, secular and the educational environment they provided was orthodox to say the least. My schooling was from a government school, nothing fancy. To share an example our extra-curricular activities would suck, they wouldn’t even let the boys dance with the girls in the group dance events. And mind you the dances won’t even be mildly provocative; the regular Daler Mahendi marries “My India the greatest” albums.

Let us look at some of the rules that our well educated, progressive yet orthodox society had set for us which could plague our social outlook towards women in the future.

Study well: For a majority of the guys like me who hailed from an  orthodox middle class family, we didn’t have the luxury to easily befriend girls and date them at a young age. Not that the 16 year old me would send the ladies toes curling. Girls were seen as distraction to boys and parents infuse a sense of guilt if a boy is spending time loitering with girls, irrespective of the academic performance.  Our teachers would report us to our parents if they found we were fooling around with a girl. In summary we were promised that girls would come eventually to us if we were successful with our academics and career. Isn’t that incredibly sexist? I bet you didn’t think so when they summoned you.

As girls are seen as an end product of success, it becomes a mild mental block to think of them as individuals. To be disappointed with the newlywed wife is akin to saying I bought this toy and it doesn’t listen to me anymore. Most guys who seriously believe that studying well is the cardinal rule to marry a hottie think again.

Imagine this scenario(Arranged marriage): Sincere boy abiding by their parents rules studies well and is at the girls house to seek the girl. Guy fantasizing that though the address is Anna naga there might be a Megan fox in this house hold dressed up in madisaar. But when ”homely” looking girl shows up and churns out dialogues like “Got 97% in tenth standard, strong communication skills and ability to make coffee while discussing editorial in Hindu” How heartbroken the guy would be. It is the same feeling that suicide bombers face after they discover that the 72 virgins are actually World of Warcraft nerds with sweaty underarms and ample acnes.

No wonder they turn out to be assholes during the marital life. (I think I might have offended both feminists and terrorists in one go. Never thought I would do this. Again.)

Think about this, we are taught to respect girls as our sisters and mothers but never as equals. We mask a hidden sense of disparity and indifference under the cloak of respect.

The problem with Elders: The show depicted women being cruelly dealt by the inlaws, some of them so uncharitable to mention in the space of this blog.  Now those in laws used to be children once, what changed; what exactly went wrong? You would find sapient 50 year olds writing columns and columns of how we need to improve as a generation, but what can they say about their conduct?

We are taught to treat our elders with veneration and adulation. There is nothing wrong in that, but when respect is transposed as unquestionable faith in their decision making; it bothers me. I had a huge tiff with my parents growing up where my parents and uncles were teaching me “manners”. Often they would go about how “parents/elders know what is best for their children”. I think to use todays jargon, I trolled them big time. I was forced to attend Java and VB classes. So I asked them which language do you think would be more productive, Java or VB? The fact that I didn’t know jack shit about programming nor do I know now is not the issue here.

The “elders” stood flummoxed but I do remember hours and hours of drama after that question, because I had proved to them that elders do not know best. They know only what they have been through and even then it doesn’t grant them any authority in my decision making. There is this untold fixation with authority that plagues our elders. Now I am in no way giving tips on parenting for it would be as pointless as reading an erotica written by L.K Advani.

The social divide: In the first world countries the only place where I see a gender divide is in the public restrooms. But take a look at our country, from ticket counters to public transport to election booths. We have separate lines for men and women. Shouldn’t they be more comfortable around us as we should be around them? How long do we need moral policing and forced guidance in social etiquettes?

Societal Pressure: I am talking about dowry system. This used to be the prime culprit for female feticide as poor people couldn’t afford to pay dowry to get their daughters off married. And they thought them of as burden as they couldn’t work with them in farms. This pathetic condition still holds true in many of our villages. But are we as metropolitan cities any better?

And if you ask the parents or the girls why they agree to it they would say that in order to be a part of the society we need to do it. If your neighbor spends X amount of money on wedding, you should at least spend X+1 on it. This social imbecility has to stop sometime, but I reckon it won’t.

Educating and empowering women has shown to be a great solution to eradicating poverty and as a majority of our population still lives in villages we should embrace it. Aishwarya rai’s apparent expulsion from a movie prompts a twitteranche (avalanche + twitter) but would they hike the salary by the merest of margins if their maid got pregnant?

http://www.oceanofweb.com/bollywood/aishwarya-pregnancy-bhandarkar.html

I want the show to put us at unease and ask uncomfortable questions which we have been avoiding for a long time. Under the aegis of technology and industrial revolution lies many a skeleton which haven’t seen the light. I hope we work towards a society where we are treated on basis of our behavior rather than our gender.  Good luck Aamir and Team!

$hit People S.A.Y

I was entertained by the way the above hash tag is trending worldwide and thought of contributing my own to this list. For the uninitiated it is mostly a list of things people say that typifies them and most of it they don’t mean.

1. Friends

       a.   (Before going to the bar)

Dude I got a job. Lets celebrate!!!

The day after You get a new “Email notification” from Bill Monk.

b. I’ll be there in five minutes (You can hear him brushing, when he says that)

c. When you show the picture of your crush or the girl you are interested in

• Diplomatic friends: She looks charming, Love is blind who am I to comment, you would look good together
•  Honest friends: 6/10, but considering the fact that you are 4/10. I would say it’s a bargain.
• Close friends: I would/wouldn’t do her. Of course they would say “I was kidding” after your kick closely misses their nuts.

2. Human Resources

•      We welcome you to our organization with open arms, I am sure you will love our vibrant environment. And I am your first friend; feel free to ask me anything.
• Our organization appreciates openness and healthy competition. We always promote based on performance based evaluation.

3. IT Employees

• I have identified key areas to work on and my weekly target and I am on course to finish it.
• Yesterday there was network outage so I was reading Functional Specification Documents.
• Job satisfaction is more important to me than monetary incentives.

4. Girlfriends

• I promise I will introduce you to my friends. (After you are caught looking at her (girl)friends profile pictures
• You will continue to be my best friend.( I don’t know which would be a far worse job, this or the person trying to perform Brazilian wax on Anil Kapoor)
• That shirt looks so awesome on you, so what if it is purple in colour.

5. Mothers (Indian)

• I know what is best for you (packs spinach for lunch)
• You can be anyone you want when you grow up. Doctor or Engineer. We leave the choice to you.

6.Boyfriends

• No this jeans does not look fat on you  (Compared to Adele)
• Honestly, I knew it was from the first time I saw you. It was love at first sight.(:P)

7. Girls on girls (who they hate or think is ugly or couldn’t care to give an opinion)

• I think she has nice hair
• She is not fake, a real genuine person.(You don’t say, I thought she was from the secret Clone Human project)

8. Project Managers

• You are doing a great job guys, this project will take us places (From water cooler back to our cubicles
• How much percentage do you think you have completed? (Personally I would go with 37.4%

  9.  Football Team mates

• Yes I will fall back when needed to defend.
• You can play as striker if you want.

10. Air hostess on Indian Airlines

• We wish you a happy and comfortable journey ahead.
• Please feel free to choose amongst our multi cuisine menu. (We are out of stock on Greek chicken salad) .
•            Me: But I am sitting in the first row?

11. Any election campaign manifesto

12. YOU 

•      Your R.E.S.U.M.E

Meter Down

I have lived equally in Madras and Bombay and each of these cities have their own charms but don’t ask me which I find better. I won’t be a part of that debate; but however a Madrasi will always speak highly of their time spent in Bombay but not the case otherwise unless you are courting an Iyer girl and taking out her father for a tumbler of coffee.

Talking about the cities one thing that absolutely captures my attention is the auto-rickshaws. They are indispensable to both cities but the ones in Chennai are far more amusing than the ones you would find in Bombay. Some of my anecdotal experiences below

ALPA ( Autowallah Longest Path Algorithm):

As if with a sense of antipathy to Djikstras (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dijkstra’s_algorithm) the auto drivers in Chennai operate by this cardinal rule for their livelihood. No matter how close the destination, they will always find a longest way to reach there.  And if you are smart enough to realize that the auto driver is taking you for a ride (literally) he will give excuses which are hard to dispute such as the road is dug up or that the traffic is horrible in that street. There is a reason why a question such as “Show me a road in Chennai which isn’t ridden with potholes or does not suffer from traffic” is considered rhetorical.

No meter only Peter

Fare Meter:Autos::Appendix:Human Body

 Meters on the autos are of no use but yet they are protected with and off hand limits as the meters would have the sign “Don’t touch the meter” on it, a clear indication in itself that they have been tampered with. If you ask them why they don’t charge by the meter, Be prepared for this dialogue

You look educated

Now that is the impression that thousands of engineering colleges in Chennai aspire to produce but don’t necessarily succeed. However this question is rhetorical, it questions your ability to sympathize, be aware of the fuel price and be willing to spend more than you intended to at the same time.

This also extends to something that has annoyed me to a lot of things. Why do elders, policemen and moms tie everything to education?

Is this what they teach you at school?

No I learned it on my own. It’s a myth that Intelligence, common sense and good behavior aren’t cumulative results of continuing education.

Its elementary Watson

Most autowallah’s are masters at deduction. It is easy to construe an image from the attire and apparel of a person who seeks an auto. If you want to make a mark at a social gathering go in an auto. The guy arriving in a Mercedes SLR would get less attention than you, that is how exorbitant the auto fares are in Chennai.

Following is an order in which you will be screwed in no order

• If you call out in English: Prepared to be screwed, auto drivers are the last of the Mohicans in this case. They still carry despise for any one uttering the Victorian language of Queen.
• If you wear an ID: General tip, take off your ID especially if you work for an IT firm before you hire an auto. It is of no use anyway outside the office and definitely you don’t want to compete with being the bigger social prick. It is a title deferred to the MBBS students who wear their White coats outside of med schools.
• If you speak hindi: Apply (a) in this case only with reserved hatred for our brothers from North. Considerably less than what the Shiv sena harbors though.

Diversion Ahead

I was once amused when my friend switched his parking lights in the parking lot even when there were a grand total of 0cars nearby.It reminded me of the way in which auto wallahs in Chennai would indicate to the less fortunate drivers behind them on the street.

A hawai chappal, a hand stretching out and being taken back within seconds and a whistle in the moving direction all count as veritable indications of change of direction.

Where is the indicator light you ask?

Read 1.

I personally think Francesco Schettino (The famous Italian captain) was inspired by our auto drivers but digressed a little while putting the act to practice.

What he thought he could pull off

What it resulted in?

Pop philosophy

Customizing an auto by decoration is akin to trying to hire an interior decorator to beautify 1 bhk in Mumbai.  It is ridiculously small. But some of them do manage to pull off something like good speaker which will make sure that the ear wax from your ears are thinned in the process or a creepy Indian actress smiling at you with a rose or lighting which would resemble a dilapidated Persian night club.

And the ones who cannot afford the luxury would have pearls of wisdom on their back like

• A girl’s marriageable age is 21.(Not in this economy stupid)
• Free ride for pregnant woman
• Some quote on failed love or why girls are not to be trusted in matters of heart.

What do you mean no space?

How many fat people can you squeeze up in an area of 3 x 3 feet? The winning answer goes to the driver of a share auto.

Never ask him where is the space to accommodate you? He would either ask you to sit in the driver’s seat in a very suggestive posture or ask you to sit in a posture seeing which even Baba Ramdev would go “Fuck me mate, even I can’t pull that off”!

Say what I may about autos in Chennai, they are facets who are irreplaceable and I miss them very much because Avanga appdi than!(They are like that only)

Questioning a cause: KONY 2012

KONY.

Yes the same child thieving, smug mafia man who had committed untold atrocity over the past thirty years without being brought to justice. But this piece is not going to be about that. Call me cold, but what astonishes me is the way people have been reacting to it. You may argue that pen is mightier than a sword. I say unless you have a desert eagle in your holster.

In the past pen has proven to be mighty, but it was also a time when people were ready to get to the streets and get the work done. However now everyone wants to be inspired not inspire. There is a global want of more governments and less governance. But I won’t beat the hammer into the old nail of “In our old days” v/s “You internet fed yuppies”. For two reasons

1. It has been done to death.
2. I want to be fair to imbeciles from both generations

When I saw people suggesting that more needs to be done rather than just “sharing” the video or mocking its sincerity and direction, they were treated with contempt guile and shock something similar on the lines of what would happen if Dalai Lama would shows up at the opening of Mainland China.

So back to Kony, the wave of pedestrian morality overwhelms the cry of reason and logic. This is what I am going to speak about.  Being a nihilist I have long conformed to the notion that everything that people do is for their happiness. From mothers love to a soldiers sacrifice. There is no shame in admitting that.

In this viral era, where every second click counts, the longevity of feeling good is very short lived. Growing up the smallest of things would cheer me up for days; a joke would keep me going for days. But now nothing lasts more than a few seconds. I constantly read memes, cartoons and blogs which are funny to make myself smile. It is as if I am scared of not being amused every second.  There is a constant need to feel good which I find very unhealthy.

And this is the exact sentiment that has been exploited for years by quacks, TV evangelists and now marketing professionals armed with inspiring music and sharp editing. A quick share here and like goes a long way in feeling good about ourselves.

But how many of us would want to do more substantial than that? You might fend off this plea of responsibility by repeating the most disturbing cliché of all times “It is not the effort but the intention that counts”. So why am I being bothered by something that seems innocuous from the outside? If sharing pictures, quotes and emotional videos brings some solace to people? Why should I be a party pooper by blaring sense into them?

Unfortunately the ramifications are multifold. While we celebrated Indian army’s bravado in the aftermath of 26/11, they left to their stations hungry in a B.E.S.T bus fed by measly Parle G biscuits. The attention was more towards which celebrity had to say more about terrorism than the actual people who fought against them. They, the soldiers didn’t see montages of bravery, fear or any emotion that the television channels indulge your cathartic heart. They see responsibility, an urge to be DONE WITH IT.

Agreed that social media was a great enabler of the revolution in the Middle East. But it merely informed them of their duties. If everyone sat in their couches tweeting and re-tweeting about the movement, nothing of substance would have been achieved. All the agents of acceleration such as music, videos, speeches and articles wanted to propel the angst into something substantial and boy it did.

Right for freedom of expression is okay, but would there ever be a right for responsibility? Which would call for action and not just words?

One of the most potent solutions to world’s problem such as poverty, unemployment, crimes against humanity is empowering and educating women. It is time tested and proved method which makes sure that there is no sudden surge in population, better sanitary habits and a general awareness towards better quality of life. Yes of course you would have to listen to the sometime god awful feminist speeches and hen picking. But at the greater scheme of things I think that is excusable.

But beyond the stupidity, naivety and erroneous application of humanity what is more dangerous is cynicism. Missionaries with vested religious interest, marketing companies targeting viewership or just plain teenagers trying their best to get attention are arrows shot at a cause. Most of them miss completely, a few of them brush and a couple hit.

Let us not stop that, even if a couple of kids are saved from the treachery of child slavery and early adoption into crime. I unwillingly, unemotionally and unsympathetically still support Kony 2012.

**************************************************************************************************************************************

P.S: I do stay true to my words and in my attempt I saved up to 100$ for the cause of Kenyan girls education through BAPGSU. Three girls will get access to graduate level education through the ten thousand odd dollars collected at our fraternity.

Why I won’t be a competition to Hrithik Roshan

//
As soon as I saw Agneepath, I made a resolution to myself as I walked out of the theater. “Kal se Gym pakka”(Will hit the gym from tomorrow). Probably it is because of undisclosed man crush for Hritikh Roshan or just the desire to transform into a body shape that doesn’t look like a seal choking on nachos.

In one regard, United States is completely different from India. Here poor people are fat and rich people are slim (both in numbers and size, thank you capitalism). I see people running everywhere, in the night in groups. Heck, I even see magazines for running. I wonder how could they write beyond Bend, wear shoes, uhmmm run?

Tired of the joblessness my friend once joked that we should probably tone up as there was some flyer which was asking for male dancers at a gay club. After all the patrons couldn’t care about the orientation of the dancers could they? But I couldn’t apply as you know- I am terrible at dancing.

But hey, I have been working out for years now. Without any improvement,  ranging from gyms Vyayamshala’s which resembled Hitler’s youth army rather than a sane work out place to up-end Talwalkars where they play Enrique Iglesias and Jennifer lopez on the loop and think it is Raacking music. I feel my weight should replace 3.14 as the universal constant. Now there are several things which I am wary of which comes in my way of looking good fit and I really cannot get a solution to overcome them.

1. Heavily Armed:

Movies like Rambo, Predator, Terminator, Commandoes have immortalized the macho guys with meganotronic biceps. But after consuming unwholesome variety of steroids and compromising the size of my biceps to my aahem ahem (I am Asian after all), is it really worth the risk? Plus also I have to defend my brawny brothers on this one. How it is cheap if a guy poses like hanuman on his display pic, but if a girl squeezes her shoulders and clicks one it is considered “classy”? Double standards. No?

2. Clothe maketh the man:

Naturally when you tone up, it is likely that one would want to flaunt it. You know tight tees, crotch huggers and other stuff which screams that you do work out. I apologize for being fashion challenged, but aren’t such second skin attires well awfully difficult to wear? Why should the upper wear be so tight which crushes your nipple and ends up looking like a CBI seal outside kalmadi’s gate? And I am tired of the age old cinematic cliché which goes like “Oooh actress xyz has done a bold role in the movie”. To the uninitiated in Indian movies, wearing a swim suit at a pool or a beach is considered as bold and the justification that the lame actresses give to the Freudian question of

Q: Would you do a bold scene?

Actress: (After a pout) well I believe in cinema which is sensuous and not vulgar. But if the script demands it, I would surely consider it?

(6 months later the movie screens and there is a scene, the script reads like)

The hero is preparing for his IIT exam and thinks about the girl and they dance in a beach.

</script> justified?

And how in the name of peter is the scene Bold? How exactly is it bold apart from having to kiss the actor who is as old as her kindergarten teacher? (Telugu movies, take a note). Its everything to do with fitness, I am sure if Katrina kaif bulks up by thirty pounds she won’t even show her earlobes or as Indian censor board would call it “Movie with family values”.

3.Of lies and lenses:

There is some unexplained relationship with body building and wearing I-wanted-to-be-an-Astronaut-but-my-I.Q-came-in-the-way type glasses. Why is there a rage amongst the youth of India to wear giant assed cooling glasses? Is Sajid Nadiadwala hiring for an extra?

I could ask such clusterfucks for the reason behind it but I am 5’6” and I preach non-violence so if I do, I might end up getting punched and end up with a black eye. And I would have to wear the same things to cover my bruise. I think wearing shades just because I have a good body belies the original reason why they were invented. I quote my high school senior for this gem of a quote “Beta we wear cooling glasses not to protect from sun, because It is considered rude to stare at girls “name badges””

4. Attention de Facebook:

I have seen some folks who have shed a lot of weight and putting the pictures on Facebook as an achievement.  As they say don’t confuse habits with achievements, losing weight isn’t such a big thing. Heck, I have done it. If you really want many likes on your picture and have people say “You look so good”. Get married or kidnap a cute kid for candies and take a picture with it.

5. “Pow” goes your self-esteem:

Generally before beginning any exercise routine, a general advice which is given is to weigh oneself. You get on the machine and your face will be caught in disbelief, you will blame everything from the faulty machine to the “heavy” jeans you are wearing. Secretly you will try to weigh again dressed up as a Russian gymnast. And what do you know; you are just 200-300 grams lighter.

Feel better?

So in summary even if you think it is really important to bust guts and get into shape, remember Round is still a shape and I am going to be happy with it. Sorry Hritikh you won’t have a competition in me anytime soon.

My philosophy is No pain, well no gain pain.

Ciao

Fourteen

Disclaimer: Especially to the new readers. The following post is going to be immature, profanity laden, cryptic and might try too hard to be funny or in other words just another penning by yours truly. I couldn’t order my book online without closing the pop up which asked me to buy something for the special someone. My chrome browser got buggy and I had to reinstall it.

Dear St. Valentine, I had enough and now you shall face my wrath.  Following are some of my observations which I learned from my relationship(s). I seriously don’t want anyone to use it for their own safety; you might either get ditched or get married. In the end the loss is yours. But if my observations were of any fruition to you, I won’t mind if you name your first born after me, you are most welcome.

1. Love Being in a relationship with love as your base is probably the best thing that can happen to anyone. The only thing that can up this is driving in a bat mobile in the streets with Hans Zimmermann’s OST exploding around you. To have an emotionally reassuring bubble around you and to share it with someone gives a feeling that would do injustice to any superlatives available.
2. I am so happy!!!!!! Yes, I know it feels super happy to be loved and love her. But don’t go Paulo coehlo on everyone around you. Life still sucks by large and everyone has to deal with it. Thy shall keep thy mirth to thyself
3. Never Procrastinate: Being in love brings the best in us, we often are in a very forgiving mood and no matter how bad someone messes you up you would want to let go of ill will. And if you think, “I’d rather enjoy present instead of dealing with my problems”. No. Solve your problems as and when they arrive.

4 I am ashamed. It often happens (for a guy) that he accedes that most men are assholes because many of them messed up with your girl in the past. And suddenly you think you are the only “decent” guy amongst the bunch of simians. And stop talking to yourself as how protective you will be for her. Stop abusing our own gender, we don’t deserve heckles and no you aren’t the nicest of the bunch

5. Being an asshole helps: I was 16 when I was scammed by a Nigerian princess who said she would transfer me 12 million $ and that she loved me because I had the nicest smile. She would also send pictures of herself (face) standing next to a garden. I discussed with a friend, he never winked and asked me to ask her to send a picture of facing her “back” to the camera.

I did and by Lawd was I not saved from

1. Potential virus corrupting my lovely windows 2000
2. Shame
3. Potential time spent at the prison while my parents go bankrupt bailing me out.

So never lose sight of the sexist, unapologetic friend whose straight talk brings more wisdom than a bottle of Jack daniels could ever bring.

6.Value respect over love. People do silly things in love, but respect never falters. If there is no mutual respect then it is probably a relationship destined to end up as an abusive one. For either of you. You don’t think men can be abused? Ever tried counting the number of guys at the screening of a twilight movie? That sir is human rights violation.

7.Be wary of the compliments. Whenever a girl in the relationship compliments about how awesome you are as a guy, how unselfish and undemanding your relationship is. Be scared, shit scared.  She is probably laying foundation for a break up. I swear the girl complimented me in a way as if I had the brains of Einstein and looks of Edward Pattison. Where in truth it’s vice versa.

8.Never complain about being complained. She taunts you; she calls you names a Punjabi truck driver would be ashamed of? Good, the boat is still afloat and the oar is under your control. She says such things because she still thinks you two are in a relationship.

9.Be emotional not never logical: I’ll give you a small example

Le gf: Hmmph…

Me(Worried): What’s the matter sweetheart?

Le gf: Nothing.

Me : Come on, I know your sad face (Makes funny face). What’s troubling you?

Le gf: Uff, I told you right its nothing. Stop annoying me

Me: Hands up, ok ok. Relax

4 hours later 1.27 am

Le gf: (Calls) You never understand my feelings? You can never tell that I am upset .

Me:

What???

10. Always recognize friends: Never forget friends who were with you the first place, give more priority to them than the girl. No matter how hot sweet she is. Try to bring her to the group and try to be a part of her group. If she gives the schpeel about “I want to keep this between us”, be wary. There is a thick line between an affair and a relationship. Decide which bank you want to park your butt.

11. Let go of ego: When facing the great Greek dilemma of whether “To call or not call”. Always call.

12. Don’t be frugal: It is not about the money, it is about the time. Never pass up on quality time, no matter how short it is. Girls remember small things like saying hi in the morning, post it notes and other stuff which make you question your own genitals relevance. Jokes apart it’s the small things that count.

13. Break ups: Break ups can be painful, yes. Probably the only thing more painful would be to get circumcised by Wesley snipes while being dressed as a vampire. Maintain radio silence if things have ceased. NEVER share your mop story, put on a faux face and move on.And no your story is no different than the guy who is snoring next to you on the train back to your hometown. For the love of baby black Jesus don’t write a book, a poem or think of a movie.

I used to be immature and post break up I used to play  silly violent games like unreal, doom and zombieland and take out the rage by pawning zombies and noobs. I am 24 now, much mature much sober. I have been with girls from whom I learned a lot and I behave much more responsibly.

I now only play call of duty 6, God of war and killzone.

14. Never join: Don’t be a part of “I am single and very happy about it”. There would be a bunch of funny misogynists who convince you since the time of eve; women are the problem^½. If you resign to join that group, A neem tree in bhatinder has more chance of getting action (manglik joke) than you getting attention from the opposite sex.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

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