A friend of mine called me recently and commented that my articles were often directed at impressing fairer sex. It isn’t entirely my fault, if I had a dollar every time a girl turned me down I could hire warren buffet as my butler. The last thing I want to be called is a chick lit writer who finds mirth in painting pink rainbows and giggling amongst butterfly farts.
So for a change this post is going to be about how we guys behave in company of liquor and where our conversations lead us. I don’t do social drinking in excess, i.e. I neither socialize nor drink in excess. So no I don’t have a tell all story to share here. Ill consider this post as an litmus test to my writing skills. If girls still read my posts after this one, then I ll die a happy man :).
The first stage is where the braggarts announce that, their weakness is their strength. That they can go on and be sober after consuming near deathly proportions of alcohol. And the worst part is if you worry for their safety and ask them to be more responsible. They pick a quarrel. My phallus is bigger than yours; I challenge you to drink more than me doesn’t work on me. I always give that Freudian argument a pass. I never want others to second guess what I think and I am quite always on my guard.
So the party usually kicks off, with everyone pitching in with their choice of drinks in a circle. The faces light up almost immediately, and thanks to an early midlife crisis the only thing that would excite us as much is a rise in stock market. Usually the guy who gets the most booze will start to size up the glasses and double measure it before allowing the holy liquid to descend.
A small head count is made as to how many guys are going to participate in the ritual; almost all such parties have a couple of teetotalers ( People who don’t drink and I share Jim Jeffries view on them who are the prime culprits in rendering the other gentlemen drunk. For they will slowly exhaust most of the side-dish and soda, and even if you don’t ask them after downing a wholesome portion of food they will declare “I am done guys”.
Done with what Alfred? Feeding the swans?
As the first round goes down, depending on how acquainted the guys are it will start with their own famous drinking story. Now, the ones narrating these are smart enough to gauge whether others will appreciate their story enough or not. Here the competition is whose story is the funniest. And the only reaction that everyone seeks is what? No way, you’re badass. From I can drink more than you, the focus of the conversation zeroes on who is the funniest. Most of us laugh because we are drunk not because we have been humored by your highness’s comic timing. Alas.
This is the theme which has been immortalized in every movie, book and song you know of. Every guy I know has been wronged by one girl or another for reasons I find unfathomable. A few of them deserve it but most don’t. I mean every guy should listen to his inner self. Its okay if your girlfriend digs the famous Indian male slut (Ranbir Kapoor). But if she says we should watch Rockstar instead of The Dark Knight (Watching it for 17th time. Guilty). You should know better that relationship is on the rocks.
The guy who is in a relationship is always envied. Especially it always happens that “that” guy gets a call from his significant other during the bitching session.The single guy next to him downs a peg faster than you would cough to hide your fart. Owners pride, neighbors envy. The girl involved, not the fart.
Fake First Time:
And depending on how comfortable your group it might lead to the giggliest and funniest part of the party. Everyone gets to tell their (Fake) first time. This is where (almost) everyone recounts their favorite erotic story with them in the lead.
Dude my first time was like, she called me over to study Java. I entered the door and I asked for a glass of water. And… you get the drift as to where the story is headed, three hours of foreplay and 27 seconds of sex.
But the person who is still sober might not be impressed with the story and usually pops a question which fortunately is still faithful to logic. But chu*iya you toh are in mechanical and you have no idea about programming… and how did this lead…?
To which the person begins on the defensive and quotes the following four words which would typify us desi’s and how most rapists and corrupt politicians explain themselves in court.
What Actually Happened Was…
And the after sobriety kicks in and there is an awkward pause which overwhelms the room as the bliss has ended . The guy who cries inconsolably is suddenly sober and cheerful, the person who laughed his heart out is suddenly grim and the person who throws up is usually locked inside the bathroom. I don’t understand why people get violent after getting drunk, after all we say cheers before the drink right?
Well I wanted to end this post on a smart alec note, but its already 924 words and counting. So ill stop typing.