Fourteen

Disclaimer: Especially to the new readers. The following post is going to be immature, profanity laden, cryptic and might try too hard to be funny or in other words just another penning by yours truly. I couldn’t order my book online without closing the pop up which asked me to buy something for the special someone. My chrome browser got buggy and I had to reinstall it.

Dear St. Valentine, I had enough and now you shall face my wrath.  Following are some of my observations which I learned from my relationship(s). I seriously don’t want anyone to use it for their own safety; you might either get ditched or get married. In the end the loss is yours. But if my observations were of any fruition to you, I won’t mind if you name your first born after me, you are most welcome.

  1. Love Being in a relationship with love as your base is probably the best thing that can happen to anyone. The only thing that can up this is driving in a bat mobile in the streets with Hans Zimmermann’s OST exploding around you. To have an emotionally reassuring bubble around you and to share it with someone gives a feeling that would do injustice to any superlatives available.
  2. I am so happy!!!!!! Yes, I know it feels super happy to be loved and love her. But don’t go Paulo coehlo on everyone around you. Life still sucks by large and everyone has to deal with it. Thy shall keep thy mirth to thyself
  3. Never Procrastinate: Being in love brings the best in us, we often are in a very forgiving mood and no matter how bad someone messes you up you would want to let go of ill will. And if you think, “I’d rather enjoy present instead of dealing with my problems”. No. Solve your problems as and when they arrive.

I am ashamed. It often happens (for a guy) that he accedes that most men are assholes because many of them messed up with your girl in the past. And suddenly you think you are the only “decent” guy amongst the bunch of simians. And stop talking to yourself as how protective you will be for her. Stop abusing our own gender, we don’t deserve heckles and no you aren’t the nicest of the bunch

5. Being an asshole helps: I was 16 when I was scammed by a Nigerian princess who said she would transfer me 12 million $ and that she loved me because I had the nicest smile. She would also send pictures of herself (face) standing next to a garden. I discussed with a friend, he never winked and asked me to ask her to send a picture of facing her “back” to the camera.

I did and by Lawd was I not saved from

  1. Potential virus corrupting my lovely windows 2000
  2. Shame
  3. Potential time spent at the prison while my parents go bankrupt bailing me out.

So never lose sight of the sexist, unapologetic friend whose straight talk brings more wisdom than a bottle of Jack daniels could ever bring.

6.Value respect over love. People do silly things in love, but respect never falters. If there is no mutual respect then it is probably a relationship destined to end up as an abusive one. For either of you. You don’t think men can be abused? Ever tried counting the number of guys at the screening of a twilight movie? That sir is human rights violation.

7.Be wary of the compliments. Whenever a girl in the relationship compliments about how awesome you are as a guy, how unselfish and undemanding your relationship is. Be scared, shit scared.  She is probably laying foundation for a break up. I swear the girl complimented me in a way as if I had the brains of Einstein and looks of Edward Pattison. Where in truth it’s vice versa.

8.Never complain about being complained. She taunts you; she calls you names a Punjabi truck driver would be ashamed of? Good, the boat is still afloat and the oar is under your control. She says such things because she still thinks you two are in a relationship.

9.Be emotional not never logical: I’ll give you a small example

Le gf: Hmmph…

Me(Worried): What’s the matter sweetheart?

Le gf: Nothing.

Me : Come on, I know your sad face (Makes funny face). What’s troubling you?

Le gf: Uff, I told you right its nothing. Stop annoying me

Me: Hands up, ok ok. Relax

4 hours later 1.27 am

Le gf: (Calls) You never understand my feelings? You can never tell that I am upset .

Me:

Image

What???

10. Always recognize friends: Never forget friends who were with you the first place, give more priority to them than the girl. No matter how hot sweet she is. Try to bring her to the group and try to be a part of her group. If she gives the schpeel about “I want to keep this between us”, be wary. There is a thick line between an affair and a relationship. Decide which bank you want to park your butt.

11. Let go of ego: When facing the great Greek dilemma of whether “To call or not call”. Always call.

12. Don’t be frugal: It is not about the money, it is about the time. Never pass up on quality time, no matter how short it is. Girls remember small things like saying hi in the morning, post it notes and other stuff which make you question your own genitals relevance. Jokes apart it’s the small things that count.

13. Break ups: Break ups can be painful, yes. Probably the only thing more painful would be to get circumcised by Wesley snipes while being dressed as a vampire. Maintain radio silence if things have ceased. NEVER share your mop story, put on a faux face and move on.And no your story is no different than the guy who is snoring next to you on the train back to your hometown. For the love of baby black Jesus don’t write a book, a poem or think of a movie.

Image

I used to be immature and post break up I used to play  silly violent games like unreal, doom and zombieland and take out the rage by pawning zombies and noobs. I am 24 now, much mature much sober. I have been with girls from whom I learned a lot and I behave much more responsibly.

I now only play call of duty 6, God of war and killzone.

14. Never join: Don’t be a part of “I am single and very happy about it”. There would be a bunch of funny misogynists who convince you since the time of eve; women are the problem½. If you resign to join that group, A neem tree in bhatinder has more chance of getting action (manglik joke) than you getting attention from the opposite sex.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

The post has graced the pages of Whackk!

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