Encounters of an awkward kind.

The title is dedicated to one of my favorite science fiction films of all time, Encounters of the third kind. But the similarity ends there. Awkwardness is a very interesting feeling that meanders between guilt and an inability to proceed or initiate a conversation. I was watching Daniel Tosh’s stand up “Happy thoughts” on YouTube the other day. The guy comes off as a social prick, provocateur and a misogynist. Albeit he has a great sense of timing on dark humor so I suggest it to anyone who is ready for a good laugh.

When I read about him on Wikipedia, I noticed that it was mentioned that he suffers from social anxiety; i.e. The subject feels distressed when in put in a crowd. After coming to United States and watching a lot of House M.D , I think people are over medicated. For example certain medical conditions should be rightly mocked as they sound ludicrous. I won’t go over them but would happily share my favorite comedian “Ricky Gervais’s” take on them over here.

Coming back to the topic, I have a habit of often running into awkward situations whose seriousness is in no way ameliorated (Just wanted to use that word in a sentence) by my general apathetic nature. But I decided to document personal category of awkward moments in no particular order, so that in future if I bump into you and seem very nice take a subtle hint that I am feeling super awkward.

I am documenting some of the awkward moments that I have been facing for a while. Here goes-

Loo:

This is a general pet peeve for most guys. Unlike women who view going to restroom activity as a social activity, men loathe to talk in the restroom. You see, especially in a urinal the protocol is really easy and religiously followed without anyone passing on the knowledge. Following is a generic flowchart

1. Start
2. Find a stall which is at least three stalls away from the nearest guy. (I personally prefer prime numbers. No particular reason)
3. Fix up a spot to stare at the ceiling
4. Finish the job
5. Do a small jump
6. Zip
7. Proceed to wash hands and look philosophically into the mirror and wonder what the fuck are you doing with your life
8. Exit

But the awkwardness kicks in when anyone says anything more than “What’s up?” I personally find that phrase to be a poor choice of words.

Because I ‘am Jesus:

I am usually not a great person to share your woes with. Don’t get me wrong, it is because I almost always instinctively think of a solution. I understand that sometimes all you need to say is that everything is going to be okay, even if you are not sure. But I feel disingenuous if I do it. The way I see it complains can be classified into two categories

1. Problem: Problems are usually impediments to one’s way of life. They always have a solution. Eg: If you have a problem with your roommate, you talk it out.
2. Predicament: Predicaments are situations where one can do nothing but wait for it to end. Eg: If anyone asks me to go through their wedding album. There is nothing that I can do except pretend that I am amused.

Far worse are the situations where the victim says something like “He screwed me so bad, I could have easily taken revenge. But I didn’t, because I am not that kind of person.

I find it amusing that even as adults we need a sense of moral assurance.

Flirting:

I have a peculiar problem when it comes to talking up to girls. Most guys I know have a trouble talking to extremely attractive women as there is a necessity to impress intellectually or otherwise during the encounter. But in my case as I am a pragmatist, I easily give up on those who are way ahead of my league.

I think I have this aura around me. As soon as I express any kind of interest in a woman, I kindle their inner carnal need to have a brother around them. You guys have Halloween? I have Rakshabandhan.

I could easily hold a steady conversation with them even befriend such girls without ever making a move. But what about the ones, who I think, could have a shot at? I go all Manmohan singh afraid that I would screw up.

Oh btw if a girl says you can’t dirty talk. Stop at that, It is safe to trust her judgement. I learned it the hard way.

Compliments:

I am never good at giving compliments. Even if I want to, my compliments are always subdued. For those who are good at complimenting, how would you handle the following scenario?

You are at a wedding and you notice that the girls are chatting up to the bride and saying things like your soon-to-be Husband is Very Handsome/ Smart/ Dashing /Funny. The bride feels cheerful. As a guy how am I supposed to compliment my friend’s wife? Apart from the compound yet clichéd “You two look great together”

Who do you pray to?

I always get two left feet when I face that question. It is because the outcome would either lead to them proselyting or sharing my opinion about organized religion? But I only have a beef with people who try to enforce their beliefs on me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that they are stupid. I just find it difficult to credit them with reasoning in past, present or future.

Enforced Friendship!

This literally takes the cake. And it is caused by women. Use your judgment to decide when should you reveal your social status to a guy. Never introduce your boyfriend to your guy friends who are your male friends who are single. It never works. They boyfriend has to befriend the guy to act cool and vice versa. And both parties try really hard to be nice to each other even if they share fuck all in common.

Psychologically cumulative awkwardness may lead you to not taking yourself seriously and might have serious social repercussions, like leading you to write a blog about it.