Four reasons why you should stop reading this article

Allow me to set the premise, you’re having lunch and you casually open up your favorite social media site, you see two types of posts

1.Pretty girl you used to hang out in college just got married. You click on the profile of her husband and observe that his profile picture only has 10 likes. You secretly think, what a loser! He has no friends and an uneventful life. Lol! I have 76 likes, everybody adores me.

2. Lists such as:

-Five reasons why School days are the best.

-Five lists why we will always miss home cooked food to the more exhaustive yet unoriginal -Ten reasons why your cat is secretly working for Putin or 27 reasons why you’ll never be able to date Lana Del Rey( P.S: She is not bengali)

If any of those topics remotely made you chuckle or interested enough to scramble your thumbs to click. Congratulations! you’re successfully a victim of click bait.
1.When is it okay to create a list: Lists are useful, for grocery shopping, taking a count of friends who you will invite for a dinner or an element of Computer algorithms which still gives you nightmares as you realize you’ll never be a competent software developer( Linked Lists).
Lists make it a mission to sound innocuous and in most cases are, as they try to make a case that they shouldn’t be taken seriously. But in reality, they are the bastions of sponsored content which is stripping the fourth estate (online) of any dignity that remains.
Because as enriching as it is, humor is seen as the ultimate lubricant to pass on ideas to the new generation. Oh, you don’t understand why you suck at relationships? Maybe you should read:
Ten reasons why you should never date a guy who wears crocs.
27 reasons to prove that your ex was a crazy bitch
These lists validate stupidity and intolerance, which is not a bad thing. Every now and then we need to be reminded that may be we are wrong, callous or overly judgmental. But online, you can always find articles that foster your ego, even if it is flawed.

And not to forget sensationalist tripe headlines like “Does Obama want your take away your egg muffin sandwich? Click here to find out.

Enters website: No, hahah. But hey while you are here watch this funny gif of fat people falling.
2. Click-baits: Buzzfeed, Scoopwhoop and other websites of such ilk don’t pretend that they are suave or intelligent. But any criticism of such sites will make you sound like a Grinch or a kid who slaps you with your own hand while laughing “Why are you hitting yourself, why?
The articles are so unoriginal but people still fall for it, all the bloody time. Remember the first time you clicked on an ad which said “ Single girls near you, hot moms want to date you”? I knew that it was Bullshit because I was living in Saudi Arabia.
I don’t know if you know Saudi Arabia well, but transparent tank tops and mini skirts are not in vogue over there.

How about more original pop up ads such as:

Single girls near you, wanna friendzone?

OR 40 year old hot women need help in picking groceries at whole foods.

Now, won’t you click on those ads?
3. And I was like: Let me describe this phenomenon. There is a lot to admire about United States and its people, there are the occasional sour apples but a majority of my experiences with them, have been rewarding.
But I never understood why they would add “And I was like…” whenever they had to recount anything in the past. Let me give you an example
Me: Hey man, how was your weekend.
Friend: Dude, it was amazing.
Me: Nice, what’d you do?
Friend: So, i met this girl at the bar right. And we were having a couple of drinks. I said something like how I like pastas and she said “Oh, but they contain gluten”.
And I was like: “Do you even know why gluten is bad for you’’?
And she was like: Oh, I don’t know
And I was like: I bet you think gluten causes ebola too.
And she was like: Omg, you’re so rude.
And I was like: Hell yeah, I am funny.
Then we exchanged our phone numbers and forward each other gifs from Buzzfeed.
IF you notice, people are always witty in introspection.Like, ALWAYS! Like an Aaron Sorkin tv show where all the characters are witty and filled with one liners. It always begins well, but by the time they are done, you want to punch them in their self righteous auras. Looking at you Newsroom
4. Meme’s everyone!: There is a self indulgent subreddit called r/reactiongifs. Basically it is a collection of gifs from various sources such as movies, viral videos or TV shows.  And whenever anything of importance happens in the news, some jackass posts a meme on Facebook. It weans me down because if foreshadows that nothing that would ever happen to me in the future would be new, it would always be relative to an experience and be reduced to a meme, or a gif.

For Eg:
Our reaction when rahul gandhi is being interviewed
funny-rahul
Our reaction when US is 13 trillion in debt but yet refuses to wean on war against drugs by exaggerated incarcerations, or over militarization of Israel or refusal to invest in education while fucking the students with ridiculous student loans.
Try to create a meme for that.
And anytime someone comes across a real life (or fake situation) you share the gif to show how you feel.
For eg: My reaction when my single friends spend all their savings on a wedding
MRW
Things are fine and dandy when you get the references, but if you don’t it is so easy to get flustered and take offense. I always feel like an outsider when my American colleagues joke around me, I just don’t get it. But they insist that they are funny. There is a sudden need for everyone to be funny, in  way it is almost Michael Scott-ish

So, Dhanesh that was a terrible report you made the other day. I think you should be reprimanded.

Me: What?

Boss: Lol, I was just kidding
Dhanesh: Hey Mike, how did you spend your thanksgiving
Mike: Hey, it was brutal man. I stabbed your entire family, created a hula hoop with their intestines and played it with my asian adopted daughters
Dhanesh: What the flying fuck?
Mike: Oh, that line is from a movie, I didn’t mean it literally. It is okay man, you have to watch the movie to understand the context.
And I was like…

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The Skeptical Patriot

I wouldn’t say that I am a huge fan of Sidin Vadukut, but i found his latest book “The Skeptical Patriot” to be mighty interesting. The book is about a skeptical look at the claims that Indians make about our past and rating it on accuracy. Surprisingly, a lot of the claims to our past have some merit to it. And this came as a surprise because growing up, I didn’t look at India’s past with such reverence.

I have always looked at patriotism with suspicion. I think I lack the passion that most people do when it comes to defending their country. Because, I felt every citizen in every country would obviously argue that despite their faults, they have it good.

After spending close to 6 years outside of India, I have come to a depressing realization that nobody despises Indians more than ourselves. I found this sub culture to be interesting. Students pretty much stuck with their clan when they arrived and apart from a forced acquaintanceship I didn’t see people becoming friends just because we hailed from the same country. The term “Desi” was a pejorative verb unless it referred to cuisine.

It seemed more like we had this collective moment when where we said to ourselves  “Phew we are out of India, we can finally pretend we don’t like each other”. 

Back home, patriotic emotions were limited to Cricket  and the occasional times when Pakistan would ‘allegedly’ bomb the shit out of Mumbai. It is a phenomenal task to view our country as one.There are so many languages, sub cultures casts beneath the canvas of polytheism which ensured that all of us were walking on egg shells. But you know that, don’t you?

But, now as cliched as it may sound. I think I like my country more than I thought I would. I have gradually become that obnoxious “desi” who swears as “son of the soil” but refuses to acknowledge reality.

This summer, I visited New York for the first time and it was quite eventful. We had sometime before disembarking from the flight and I struck up a brief conversation with an old lady next to me.

Old Lady: Where are you from?
Me: Well, basically i am from India.
Mentally thinking “I have lived for about 21 years in India, But now that I have spent close to three hours in NYC, you could say that i am still searching for my roots

When you read books such as Origin of species, Guns, Germs and Steel and Cosmos you realize that we(human species and some parts of France) have undergone tremendous evolution culturally, religiously and politically. There are few things which were achieved in complete isolation and the flux of people in search of livelihood made sure that the cultures underwent a slow but sure metamorphosis from time to time.

I find inclusivity to be rewarding which unfortunately is fast becoming a controversial opinion. After US blocked the move for immigration reform, I felt a little sad for the people who couldn’t make it in the land of the big apple.

The people who argue against immigration constantly throw loaded yet baseless allegation that we, the immigrants are the prime reason for
• Unemployment
• Cultural/Religious Decay

I have based my opinions on fact from sources who i consider reputable and they are available in the appendix. But before diving into them let us look at the logic behind these statements

Unemployment:

Don’t you hate it when the immigrants from Mexico, India and China throng the wall street and run away with all the profit? Well I do. Don’t you hate it when these foreign bodies play with the derivatives and sub prime mortgages which left a huge economic ripple across the world for short term benefits. Don’t you hate it when the immigrant lawmakers lobby against the senate to have any discernible regulation on how industries such as Banking, Energy and Education and Healthcare must be conducted.Well I do. Damn immigrants.

I have always found this claim that the immigrants whether local or across borders contribute to a siege in unemployment to be a bit farcical. The immigrant workers can be either

    • Skilled: Such as doctors, scientists, engineers, farmers, tradesmen, daily wage laborers, cooks, taxi drivers etc…

OR

  •      Non skilled: Such as technicians at Best Buy, Apple store and customer support at Comcast.

To use an analogy. Let us think of a hypothetical organization, let us call it Chevron.

Now when it uses its advanced technology in trade for natural resources in Nigeria, they effectively killed labor unions, undermined democracy and created economic gap to get more profit. They do so without any hurdle or tuppence for international law, because that is the root of capitalism. Profit at any cost.
But when profit doesn’t proceed to building infrastructure and instead is diluted among the political cabals the citizens are naturally frustrated and seek to migrate to greener pastures.

Now when they come to the shores due the policy of the afore mentioned companies,which out of pure coincidence reside in US and UK, they suddenly become frisky immigrants. These people seem to be taking your job only because the local companies and mega companies are willing to pay them the minimum wage with little benefits rather treat them as locals. They find a cost benefit in hiring the immigrants who have little understanding of the local labor laws nor are ballsy enough to question authority which would risk their employment. And how dare do I question capitalism. I am not, i am merely outlining the disadvantages.

So in essence you face the sweet repercussions of capitalism where the economy goes along with the ones who are profitable and not sustainable.
But when their people go to UK or US they aren’t exactly welcome with the same enthusiasm.

Cultural Decay:
This is by far my favorite accusation. They come here, don’t speak our language and don’t respect our values. While this extends from religious grounds more than anything else, I have little energy left in me to sympathize with people who justify their hate on ignorant bigotry.

The problem arises when we view culture as a monolithic edifice which was magically built by one person and we promised to preserve it for years to come. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work this way. I would like to refrain from controversial examples such as evolution of language, influence of literature, music, science or textiles.

I believe, the best medium for communication is English because that is what i have been taught from age 1. Our parents encouraged us to learn it as it was like getting a passport to the better quality of life. English is often more marketable than the local dialect in most asian countries, so affliction towards the victorian language was merely a commercial choice.

However, friends and family never miss an opportunity to call us as cop outs when we are critical about something that happens back home. They associate us as unpatriotic and cowards who forgot Indian roots in exchange for some dollar bills.

So lets take a pause, you send me to an English speaking school, enforce me to be good at it, take pride when I put on a fake accent, insist that I take up GRE/GMAT/LSAT and get an american degree. And when I am about to embrace adulthood, and all of a sudden, Epiphany! Now, you are struck by fleeting paranoia that our culture is about to die?

The more I read about our eventful past both Indian and global, the more evidence i find in support for multiculturalism and harmony. I don’t want to enforce anyone to learn my culture or be respectful of it. I feel like the world is an unlimited buffet and with the license of education, I have the ticket to taste it all.

And that is why I am proud to be a “Desi”. Historians often look at India as a continent than a country. *A land mass extending from current day Pakistan to as far as Indonesia. When you read about the advances in Education (Takshashila), Medicine (Ayurveda), vedas (mathematics) and military (Chola navy) occurred in societies that were open, turbulent yet peaceful, well administered and curious.

*These innovations were children to amicable curiosity and spirit of enquiry. Jataka tales, tell us that students at Takshashila were often taught for free, and students from places as far as China and Arabia travelled by foot to get a chance to study there. The advancement in these fields were not divorced from faith but energized by it.

We were nailing science eons ago when the church were burning books and heretics for challenging their ignorant beliefs. I am proud that i am a descendent of an institution that promoted enquiry, criticism and skepticism. And I hope with time, I encourage people to be more harmonious with each other despite our cultural/political/religious differences.

– This article was penned by a Proud Indian. Wait, no I mean south Indian, I mean Tamil, fuck the kannadigas, goltis and mallus. Lol. And when i say Tamil i mean I am proud to be a Brahmin, not SC or ST. Lol coz their great grandfathers used to clean toilets and give really bad haircuts. LOL

*- P.S: Excerpts from Sidin Vadukut’s “Skeptical Patriot”

My first interview

I was interviewed by a good friend for her final thesis on religious belief. I was amused by this request and if I recall correctly it was one of the few times where I eagerly looked forward to answering. I have always been a disgruntled writer as I was rejected more times than I can recall to be published in a paper or even a school magazine.

So the whole premise of the blog was a personal affront to years of cumulative rejection. I guess, I have survived the attention cycle and my insecurity has faded over the years through the medium of this blog. I am sharing the excerpts of the interview below. 

1. What would you say your current religious orientation is? (atheist, agnostic, spiritual, etc.?)

A: I consider myself as an Atheist

2. What was your former faith?

A: My former faith was Hinduism

3. How religious/spiritual would you say you were before you left your faith?

A: I observed that I was religious only when it came to my parent’s health, results of my exams and fortunes of the football club I support. I wasn’t very sincere with my religiousness.

4. Were your beliefs in that faith were only due to you being born into it, or were they also, in part, reinforced by a conscious effort and independent thinking/research on your part?

A: I derived my faith from my parents and I found that it made them comfortable and strong when the times were tough. Through a conscious effort of thinking I found that most of my friends were kind and just and being religious just happened to be one of their attributes. I couldn’t find a direct correlation between religiosity and morality.

5. Have you ever questioned or had doubts about your faith and then reconciled them, and kept believing, before you left your religion? Can you expand any more upon this?

A: I have always had doubts about believing something without questioning. I would say Hinduism is more receptive to doubts as it is a polytheistic religion, my folks would often change their gods if they found one of them fared better than the other. I found that belief has a placebo effect on people. I found that religions have a negative impact over the course of years as they have always been at loggerheads with science when it disagreed with them. Most religions practice human rights violation and are often not kind to women. And I disagreed when religions claim absolute monopoly over morality. The final nail in the coffin was when religions became a barrier to having a conversation about climate change, slavery and peace.

6. How old were you when you officially knew that you no longer believed in your (now ex) religion?

A: I was 22 when I believe I lost complete faith in the concept of God or religion.

7. Can you describe the thought process that led you to this conclusion? (Ex: Were there any specific teachings/beliefs that you disagreed with, that drove along this “process of disbelieving?” Any particular sources that helped reassure you that your new beliefs were sound and had merit?)

A: My thought process was scientific and I was more convinced the idea that you should always question things before you believe in them. Theories had to be proven, peer reviewed and tested in challenging conditions before being accepted. I read the biographies of scientists when I was younger such as Marie Curie, Nicholas Tesla, Richard Feynman, Albert Einstein and Issac Newton to name a few.

I found most religions to be quasi pyramid schemes which fed on misinformation, blind faith and hunger to dominate politics. I was repulsed by religions who mistreated or exiled people who questioned their faith. I wanted to see, if I too shared the sentiment of people who feel the same way and I read works of Carl Sagan, Issac Asimov, Sam Harris, Christopher Hitchens, Richard

Dawkins, Ayan Ali Hirsi and George Carlin to name a few.

8. Was the emotional impact of this on your life at that time? (Ex: Was it traumatic or alienating?)

A: I would say the impact was alienating, initially it filled me with hate for the people who bullied and shoved religion down the throats of others. But I soon realized that the faith was at fault and most people deserve to be treated with kindness whether they deserve it or not. My parents still disagree with my choice but choose to be mute spectators observing and hoping I embrace religion someday.

9. Did your other siblings or relatives have similar beliefs? Were you able to talk to them, or anyone else about this?

A: Most of my family is religious in one way or another, but they keep such things personal and bring it only during festivals. I was able to talk to most of them about my digression from belief. They were a little amused and that is about it, I wouldn’t be lying if I wanted their reactions to be more controversial and dramatic.

10. Do your parents know about your loss faith? If no, do you want them to know? If yes, what has kept you from telling them?

A: Yes they do.

11. Is your lack of believing in your former religion impacting you today? If yes, how? If it’s negatively impacting you in anyway, if you could, would you go back to believing and forget about any doubts you have now?

A: The only observable impact so far has been social, even now when I attend any religious festivals with my family or friends, I feel I lack their enthusiasm as I fail to absorb the kind of joy that faith brings to them.

12. Do you have any regrets about it? Do you wish you had realized it sooner?

A: No, I do not have any regrets about it. I am happy with my choice.

13. Do you have any other miscellaneous comments about this, what you’ve experienced, religion, beliefs, etc?

A: I feel there is a huge gap of understanding between atheists and deists. Atheists have been prosecuted for ages in the name of heresy, controversy and apostasy. I don’t feel that I share a sense of community with fellow atheists, as I find that their lack of belief is just another attribute of their personality. I don’t feel uncomfortable or encumbered when I spend time with my religious friends as long as they don’t make me feel guilty for not being a believer.

I feel as long as you choose to exercise your faith within your community or private space it is perfectly fine. But to expect everyone to agree with your faith is unfair and unjustified.

14. So all in all, what advice would you give, from your experience, to someone else who may find themselves in the position you were back when you started along the path of “losing your faith?”

A: I feel every human being has a right to rationale and thought and must be allowed to conduct it without any social or religious duress. I feel children should not be scared into belief or threatened with excommunication. And people who lose faith should not pay the cost of living in social anonymity.

Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. I would suggest people to study logic and reason as a pre-requisite before investing emotionally into any belief. Losing one’s faith can have several social repercussions. And I can understand that it might even drive some people into trauma or rage. As we feel we have been lied to and bullied just for exercising reason. I often see so called atheists “trolling” other people’s belief by mocking them. No matter what the choice, I feel we should be kind to one another irrespective of our faith or lack of it. The world is a far worse place than we think it is and we are going to be around only for a few years. Investing that time in love and community is far more rewarding than fighting to save a seat in heaven.

 

Sound of Music

I feel lucky because I was allowed to experiment on my taste in music from a young age. Every year my annual gift used to be some kind of music device, from cassette players to Walkman’s to mp3’s. I was allowed to spend on music and listen to whatever I liked

If there is one thing I splurge on its music and related devices. Growing up all my pocket money would go towards either buying cassettes or fancy headphones. In my expensive sojourn I have progressed from Headphones that are basic but solid Creative (Rs 199) to High end Klipsch S4 (74$). It is because nothing brings me more joy than listening to good music. I don’t swear by any particular genre though I clearly steer away from pop, hip-hop and rap.

The first album that I ever heard was by Colonial Cousins to this song  on a Sony Walkman that was gifted to me by my father. I used to hold it to my dear life as it would help me escape from morbid ennui surrounding me. I grew up near a beach so my favorite past time would be to take my Walkman with me, sit under the Guava trees and listen to my favorite tracks. Though I was too small to ride a bike, I would speed on my mom’s moped clutching the rear view mirrors pretending to ride a Harley Davidson listening to catchy song from Alaipayuthe by AR Rahman. It created an alternate sense of reality for me where I was popular, likeable and more sociable.

I think I suffered from mild social anxiety from a very young age hence most of my attempt to be social would revolve around talking about music. And it extended to the way I would approach girls. I would either make a mix tape for them or recommend a particular song and hence music would act as an ice breaker for me. So for any girl who knows me is reading this:  If I constantly pestered you into listening songs that I like, it was my way of hitting on you 🙂

And also looking back, I was growing up to be an atheist even without realizing it. When I was in 7th grade our relatives thought it was an excellent plan during the summer vacation to go to Tirupathi. Let me tell you a thing or two about Andhra Pradesh. It is as hot as a sauna and the food isn’t spicy it is incredibly hot/spicy. I think the main PMO agenda for that state would be like “Screw AIDS lets cure ulcer”. Everything is laced with chilli powder and I hate raw mangoes. So basically I felt like I was marinated in a gigantic pickle all the time. Their version of having a candy is by eating raw mangoes laced with Chilli powder.

So anyway I have a habit of sharing my new found favorite tune to the person next to me without even knowing about their preferred genre. As I had the habit of listening to late night radio, I heard “Highway to hell” by AC/DC. As soon as the engine rumbled to life I put it on and everyone went “Aiyoo kadavule”( Oh god).

I always thought choice in music is subjective and just because someone listens to a personal genre doesn’t typify him with a personality. The perception of social music was completely different from what I felt in south. In south people listened more to classical music which was in its own way considered eclectic and the only time we had loud music on the streets was when there was a religious function in tow.

But Bombay painted a different picture, it was a kaleidoscopic. From Nashik dhol to Ganpati songs on the street, it was joyous riot to say the least. But I noticed a change in trend around my campus, traditional Indian music was widely considered unpopular compared to mainstream American pop/rock. I really found it difficult to digest why the likes of AR Rahman were not considered amongst the ilk of Linkin Park, Metallica or at least Nickelback. I failed to understand why one’s taste in music must be so closely scrutinized to the point of discrimination.

Anyway I gradually graduated from the commercial filmy music to mainstream rock, melody and metal. The reason was not to sound cool, but I felt that music from movies inhibited creativity of musicians. And I’ll explain you why:

There are traditionally 5 types of song in an Indian (Commercial) “Masala” movie. The list goes like this

  1. Introduction song: There are two types of introduction songs;
    1. Lead actor (Hero): He usually wears a wife beater, loud unbuttoned shirt a seat belt with a buckle shiny enough to signal Boeing 747’s and a sports shoe. The lyrics deal with social issues, commentary on the current political system and his own utopic personal opinions
    2. Lead actress (Heroine): Most Indian directors are male chauvinists to an extent and females rarely get the credit. So the introduction song for a heroine is drastically different. I suppose the lyricist is almost never paid for the song and submits it as a bonus. The central theme of the lyrics tread around butterflies, love, garden, flowers, rainbows and rain in no particular order. The song is to signify that the actress is a naïve debutante with no career ambition and sees the world through her rosy armada sunglasses
  2. Love song:  Usually sparks begin to fly between the hero and the heroine approximately after 20 minutes into the movie. The premise of the song is usually when both of them run into each other->their respective paraphernalia falls to ground-> their eyes meet-> they fall in love. It’s either that or when the heroine decides to smell her pillow before sleep. And social scientists still wonder why teenage pregnancy is high in our country!
  3. Success song: So often the hero becomes broke before the interval and needs a favor from lady luck to progress. Instead of logic and reason, directors resort to a song which explains the rags to riches story in a matter of 4 minutes and 32 seconds. The hero is shown to make low risk, high yield, low capital investments which vomit profit almost immediately. This song targets the unemployed sector and wishfully hopes to motivate them. If things were only so simple
  4. Break up song: Needless to say, I hate melodrama over break up’s as evinced by my earlier blogs fourteen and move on. But the music panders to the love lorn convincing them that their mental emasculation is only a proof that their love was true. Pop culture considers reminiscing over your ex as catharsis, I call it hazardous emotional masturbation.
  5. ‘Event’ful music: The premise is usually wedding, engagement or birth of a child where 50-100 strangers dance in sync. The song can either be out in the open or in a closed environment like a ballroom. Where people dance in slow motion and the hero plays the ensemble through a lonely piano

Obviously the above list is not conclusive but it pretty much demonstrates why filmy music still rules the roost in my country. And as I hit the age of reason, I pretty much found the situation too forced and hence transcended into world music. The transition isn’t dramatic and was mostly inquisitive in nature.

I thought of penning this article when we were assigned to create a global play list to welcome international students. Many genres were frowned upon and I read hateful vile comments on YouTube and Facebook arising just because someone happened to like a certain type of music.

Despite my distaste for a few genres I still feel music can unite people. There is conclusive proof through the work of John lennon, U2, Nusrat ali khan, Pt Ravishankar, AR Rahman, Beatles and Dixie chicks to name a few. I feel if Kurt kobain, Elvis Presley, John lennon, Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix lived today they wouldn’t hate on the beibers, Katy perries and Nicki Minaj of the world. Ok, may be not Nicki Minaj .Music may not solve world problems but it can make people forget their differences for a while. And that is no mean feat to achieve. So don’t hate on others just because you feel that the music is inappropriate.

I prefer to keep my cynicism in music to myself.

Listen and let listen.

Desi Bacchanalia

A friend of mine called me recently and commented that my articles were often directed at impressing fairer sex. It isn’t entirely my fault, if I had a dollar every time a girl turned me down I could hire warren buffet as my butler. The last thing I want to be called is a chick lit writer who finds mirth in painting pink rainbows and giggling amongst butterfly farts.

So for a change this post is going to be about how we guys behave in company of liquor and where our conversations lead us. I don’t do social drinking in excess, i.e. I neither socialize nor drink in excess. So no I don’t have a tell all story to share here. :/ Ill consider this post as an litmus test to my writing skills. If girls still read my posts after this one, then I ll die a happy man :).

My Stamina

The first stage is where the braggarts announce that, their weakness is their strength. That they can go on and be sober after consuming near deathly proportions of alcohol. And the worst part is if you worry for their safety and ask them to be more responsible. They pick a quarrel. My phallus is bigger than yours; I challenge you to drink more than me doesn’t work on me. I always give that Freudian argument a pass. I never want others to second guess what I think and I am quite always on my guard.

So the party usually kicks off, with everyone pitching in with their choice of drinks in a circle. The faces light up almost immediately, and thanks to an early midlife crisis the only thing that would excite us as much is a rise in stock market. Usually the guy who gets the most booze will start to size up the glasses and double measure it before allowing the holy liquid to descend.

A small head count is made as to how many guys are going to participate in the ritual; almost all such parties have a couple of teetotalers ( People who don’t drink and I share Jim Jeffries view on them  who are the prime culprits in rendering the other gentlemen drunk. For they will slowly exhaust most of the side-dish and soda, and even if you don’t ask them after downing a wholesome portion of food they will declare “I am done guys”.

Done with what Alfred? Feeding the swans?

As the first round goes down, depending on how acquainted the guys are it will start with their own famous drinking story. Now, the ones narrating these are smart enough to gauge whether others will appreciate their story enough or not. Here the competition is whose story is the funniest. And the only reaction that everyone seeks is what? No way, you’re badass. From I can drink more than you, the focus of the conversation zeroes on who is the funniest. Most of us laugh because we are drunk not because we have been humored by your highness’s comic timing. Alas.

Unrequited love:

This is the theme which has been immortalized in every movie, book and song you know of. Every guy I know has been wronged by one girl or another for reasons I find unfathomable. A few of them deserve it but most don’t. I mean every guy should listen to his inner self. Its okay if your girlfriend digs the famous Indian male slut (Ranbir Kapoor). But if she says we should watch Rockstar instead of The Dark Knight (Watching it for 17th time. Guilty). You should know better that relationship is on the rocks.

The guy who is in a relationship is always envied. Especially it always happens that “that” guy gets a call from his significant other during the bitching session.The single guy next to him downs a peg faster than you would cough to hide your fart. Owners pride, neighbors envy. The girl involved, not the fart.

Fake First Time:

And depending on how comfortable your group it might lead to the giggliest and funniest part of the party. Everyone gets to tell their (Fake) first time. This is where (almost) everyone recounts their favorite erotic story with them in the lead.

Dude my first time was like, she called me over to study Java. I entered the door and I asked for a glass of water. And… you get the drift as to where the story is headed, three hours of foreplay and 27 seconds of sex.

But the person who is still sober might not be impressed with the story and usually pops a question which fortunately is still faithful to logic. But chu*iya you toh are in mechanical and you  have no idea about programming… and how did this lead…?

To which the person begins on the defensive and quotes the following four words which would typify us desi’s and how most rapists and corrupt politicians explain themselves in court.

What Actually Happened Was…

And the after sobriety kicks in and there is an awkward pause which overwhelms the room as the bliss has ended . The guy who cries inconsolably is suddenly sober and cheerful, the person who laughed his heart out is suddenly grim and the person who throws up is usually locked inside the bathroom. I don’t understand why people get violent after getting drunk, after all we say cheers before the drink right?

Well I wanted to end this post on a smart alec note, but its already 924 words and counting. So ill stop typing.