A Cultural Quick Fix to RAPE

Of course most people reading this need no introduction about the incident which happened in Delhi, where a woman was so brutally raped that she now needs an intestinal replacement surgery. This incident has given diet pepsi wielding, Rang De Basanti patronizing self-confessed vigilantes who think they have a solution to this heinous act.

Following is a ten step program which girls can use to avoid rape.

1. Do not travel late into the night, traveling places which are poorly lit is a strict no-no.

2. Women should not drink or smoke as either of the acts exhibits promiscuity.

3. Women should not dress provocatively and must adhere to cultural garbs to discourage unsolicited attention from men. Must take fashion cues from Jayalalitha and Mamta Bannerjee.

4. The ideal age to marry for a girl is 21. It may be increased to 23 if she is pursues MBA, because the father has to recoup his losses. If she is married and has kids, then maybe she might not be prone to privy eyes.

5. Girls should not frequent bars or disco theques as they are filled with vile men under the influence of alcohol. It would be akin to dancing with the devil if you chose to party. And immoral, remember god is watching you

6. Sex education must be implemented in schools. Of course by that we would teach them 99% about cross pollination and asexual reproduction and 1% about human anatomy. Also we should insist that casual sex is hazardous and masturbation would lead to global warming.

7. Men and women are equal; however we should treat women like  Sisters or Mothers. It is not patronage but a tribute to our maternal society. And since a girl should be married by 21, it doesn’t give any man a chance to think about women under any other context.

8. We have forgotten our tradition; most women in the name of empowerment go out to work where they are under severe gender bias. On top of it they have to work at home to being a wife to a husband, a mother to the children and a dutiful daughter-in-law to the husband’s parents. A woman’s prime responsibility is to champion the household than struggle for independence by working.

9. Women should always travel in company of men, ideally their brothers or husbands. Because even if you befriend any other male you can never be sure about their intentions, hence it is always better to be safe than sorry.

10. Some of the younger generation might feel rebellious after listening to their elders. But they have to understand as Kareena kapoors grand father from Jab We Met said “Ek akeli ladki, khuli hi hui tijori ki tareh hoti hai” which translates as “A single girl, is akin to an open safe”.

Because a girls only treasure is her character (Read virginity), once she loses that she brings shame not only to her but also to the family and the community. Hence the girl should be responsible about her behavior as it affects a lot of people.

How to fix rape?

  1. Death to the rapists, hang them by their balls over light posts in public.
  2. Marry off the girl to the guy who raped her, because no one else will accept her afterwards
  3. The home minister should retire, politicians should be fired. Fire all the policemen, they can’t protect the public
  4. Create a Facebook page which talks about punishing rape by death sentence
  5. Write a song about how women are mistreated in this chauvinistic male society; since AR Rahman is busy we will let Pritam compose the music. It should be catchy so he should be allowed to be inspired by Korean pop bands.
  6. Women should no longer be objectified in movies; they should be no longer depicted as saucy vixens dressed in skimpy clothes. There shall be no more beach scenes and all movies should be shot at the mines of Karnataka where even partial nudity cannot be justified.

I am a huge fan of satire and I love exaggeration, however none of the above points are fiction. I have merely regurgitated the opinions voiced by many on endless TV shows and column inches on newspaper.

Now that Sachin Tendulkar has retired many columnists are going to vomit verbs from their dictionary and the focus will shift from Delhi to Sachin’s legacy. We are a bunch of indifferent and pathologically passive pedestrians with a very short attention span. And that should scare us more than anything!

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Why I won’t be a competition to Hrithik Roshan

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As soon as I saw Agneepath, I made a resolution to myself as I walked out of the theater. “Kal se Gym pakka”(Will hit the gym from tomorrow). Probably it is because of undisclosed man crush for Hritikh Roshan or just the desire to transform into a body shape that doesn’t look like a seal choking on nachos.

In one regard, United States is completely different from India. Here poor people are fat and rich people are slim (both in numbers and size, thank you capitalism). I see people running everywhere, in the night in groups. Heck, I even see magazines for running. I wonder how could they write beyond Bend, wear shoes, uhmmm run?

Tired of the joblessness my friend once joked that we should probably tone up as there was some flyer which was asking for male dancers at a gay club. After all the patrons couldn’t care about the orientation of the dancers could they? But I couldn’t apply as you know- I am terrible at dancing.

But hey, I have been working out for years now. Without any improvement,  ranging from gyms Vyayamshala’s which resembled Hitler’s youth army rather than a sane work out place to up-end Talwalkars where they play Enrique Iglesias and Jennifer lopez on the loop and think it is Raacking music. I feel my weight should replace 3.14 as the universal constant. Now there are several things which I am wary of which comes in my way of looking good fit and I really cannot get a solution to overcome them.

  1. Heavily Armed:

Movies like Rambo, Predator, Terminator, Commandoes have immortalized the macho guys with meganotronic biceps. But after consuming unwholesome variety of steroids and compromising the size of my biceps to my aahem ahem (I am Asian after all), is it really worth the risk? Plus also I have to defend my brawny brothers on this one. How it is cheap if a guy poses like hanuman on his display pic, but if a girl squeezes her shoulders and clicks one it is considered “classy”? Double standards. No?

2. Clothe maketh the man:

Naturally when you tone up, it is likely that one would want to flaunt it. You know tight tees, crotch huggers and other stuff which screams that you do work out. I apologize for being fashion challenged, but aren’t such second skin attires well awfully difficult to wear? Why should the upper wear be so tight which crushes your nipple and ends up looking like a CBI seal outside kalmadi’s gate? And I am tired of the age old cinematic cliché which goes like “Oooh actress xyz has done a bold role in the movie”. To the uninitiated in Indian movies, wearing a swim suit at a pool or a beach is considered as bold and the justification that the lame actresses give to the Freudian question of

Q: Would you do a bold scene?

Actress: (After a pout) well I believe in cinema which is sensuous and not vulgar. But if the script demands it, I would surely consider it?

(6 months later the movie screens and there is a scene, the script reads like)

The hero is preparing for his IIT exam and thinks about the girl and they dance in a beach.

</script> justified?

And how in the name of peter is the scene Bold? How exactly is it bold apart from having to kiss the actor who is as old as her kindergarten teacher? (Telugu movies, take a note). Its everything to do with fitness, I am sure if Katrina kaif bulks up by thirty pounds she won’t even show her earlobes or as Indian censor board would call it “Movie with family values”.

3.Of lies and lenses:

There is some unexplained relationship with body building and wearing I-wanted-to-be-an-Astronaut-but-my-I.Q-came-in-the-way type glasses. Why is there a rage amongst the youth of India to wear giant assed cooling glasses? Is Sajid Nadiadwala hiring for an extra?

I could ask such clusterfucks for the reason behind it but I am 5’6” and I preach non-violence so if I do, I might end up getting punched and end up with a black eye. And I would have to wear the same things to cover my bruise. I think wearing shades just because I have a good body belies the original reason why they were invented. I quote my high school senior for this gem of a quote “Beta we wear cooling glasses not to protect from sun, because It is considered rude to stare at girls “name badges””

4. Attention de Facebook:

I have seen some folks who have shed a lot of weight and putting the pictures on Facebook as an achievement.  As they say don’t confuse habits with achievements, losing weight isn’t such a big thing. Heck, I have done it. If you really want many likes on your picture and have people say “You look so good”. Get married or kidnap a cute kid for candies and take a picture with it.

5. “Pow” goes your self-esteem:

Generally before beginning any exercise routine, a general advice which is given is to weigh oneself. You get on the machine and your face will be caught in disbelief, you will blame everything from the faulty machine to the “heavy” jeans you are wearing. Secretly you will try to weigh again dressed up as a Russian gymnast. And what do you know; you are just 200-300 grams lighter.

Feel better?

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So in summary even if you think it is really important to bust guts and get into shape, remember Round is still a shape and I am going to be happy with it. Sorry Hritikh you won’t have a competition in me anytime soon.

My philosophy is No pain, well no gain pain.

Ciao